Abe  Martin's 
Primer 


The  Collected  Writings  of  Abe  Martin  and  His 
Brown  County,  Indiana,  Neighbors 


BY 

KIN  HUBBARD 


FRANCIS  GALLUP 


ABE  MARTIN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

INDIANAPOLIS 

ONE  DOLLAR  NET 

(COPYRIGHTED) 


ABE    MARTIN. 

OF 
BROWN    COUNTY,    INDIANA 


CS] 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Stands  fer  album,  blue  plush  an'  bright 

clasp, 
Showin'    a    photo    o'    Aunt    Jen    with 

bangs  an'  tight  basque. 


It  seems  like  th'  more  smilin'  an'  cheerful 
folks  are  th'  more  ther  teeth  need  lookin'  after. 


We've  certainly  improved  in  side  steppin' 
since  th'  ole  three-wheel  velocipede  wuz  re- 
garded as  a  menace  t'  pedestrians. 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law,  up  t' 
Indynoplus,  has  three  sons,  two  self-sustainin' 
an'  one  employed  by  th'  city. 


Ther  hain't  nothin'  as  uncommon  as  com- 
mon sense. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIlWfER 


Ever  once  in  a  while  somebuddy  is  carted 
off  t'  th'  poor  house  who  used  t'  be  the  best 
dancer  in  town. 


Some  folks  are  called  green  when  they're 
only  respectable. 


What  has  become  o'  all  th'  child  wonders 
we  used  t'  know  in  school? 


Mrs.  Birdie  Moon,  whose  brilliant  weddin' 
wuz  th'  event  o'  th'  Yuletide,  would  like  t' 
trade  some  silver  sugar  trays  fer  a  ton  o'  coal. 


Goin'  t'  work  will  be  found  twice  as  profit- 
able as  knockin'  th'  rich. 


ABE      MARTINIS 

We  never  respect  our  own  gray  hairs. 


No  matter  how  hard  th'  times  git  th*  wages 
o'  sin  are  alius  liberal  an'  on  th'  dot. 

Politics  makes  strange  pustmasters. 


No  matter  what  kind  of  a  spring  we  have, 
it  seems  like  th'  crop  of  originality  is  alius 
short. 


Next  t'  a  fourteen-year-ole  boy  ther  hain't 
nothin'  as  worthless  as  th*  average  opinion. 


Wherever  ther's  a  corner  grocery  ther's  a 
lot  o'  free  traders. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  Lost  Art  o'  Letter  Writin' 

By  Miss  Pawn  Lippincut 

In  these  days  o'  quick  an'  handy  communica- 
tion how  refreshin'  it  is  t'  receive  a  real  letter 
— a  long,  well  composed,  interestin'  handmade 
letter  with  a  little  personality  an'  feelin'  in  it. 

Th'  telephone  an'  lettergram,  t'gether  with 
souvenir  pustal  cards  showin'  Main  streets, 
public  libraries,  mountain  peaks  an'  state 
houses,  have  all  worked  shoulder  t'  shoulder 
t'  discourage  th'  gentle  art  o'  letter  writin.  Th' 
ole  longhand  letters  o'  th'  past,  whether  passin' 
between  friends  or  lovers,  scented  or  un- 
scented,  reflected  th'  real  inside  works  o'  th' 
author  as  could  no  other  medium  o'  communi- 
cation. A  misspelled  word  wuz  not  regarded 
as  a  matter  of  course,  but  looked  upon  as  a 
grave  error  not  t'  be  passed  o'er  lightly.  Th' 
laws  o'  punctuation,  too,  wuz  lived  up  t'  an' 
respected. 

T'day  th'  loved  one  who  crosses  th'  plains 
an'  leaves  a  two-column  void  in  th'  anxious 
hearts  behind  does  little  t'  relieve  th'  anxiety 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


in  th'  rear  beyond  sendin'  a  few  views  o'  Pike's 
Peak  or  th'  Mormon  Temple.  How  an'  ole 
time    twenty-page    descriptive    letter    written 


CONSULTIN*   TH-    READY    LETTER    WRITER    IN    1878. 

with  a  pen  an'  ink  would  cheer  th*  fond  an' 
lovin'  mother  as  she  watches  thro'  th'  kitchen 
window  fer  th'  postman  t'  cut  across  th'  flower 
beds  t'  th'  back  door. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

Th'  Ready  Letter  Writer,  a  handy  guide  t' 
correspondence,  appeared  in  th'  early  seventies 
an'  its  popularity  wuz  only  rivaled  by  that  o' 
th'  conch  shell,  which  had  become  an  estab- 
lished favorite  in  th'  home.  It  told  how  t'  write 
a  letter  requestin'  an  interview  with  any  young 
lady  you  might  happen  t'  admire ;  how  a  wid- 
ower should  profess  his  attachment  fer  a  wid- 
ow; how  t'  confess  an  unfavorable  conclusion 
after  serious  reflection;  how  t'  write  a  letter 
accompanyin'  a  contribution  t*  a  clergyman; 
how  t'  accept  th*  gift  o'  a  comb  an'  brush  by 
mail;  how  t'  write  a  letter  accompanyin'  th' 
gift  o'  a  gold  pen  or  a  coral  bracelet;  how  t' 
write  a  letter  of  advice  t'  a  gentleman  who  con- 
templates leavin'  th'  farm,  an'  other  matters 
requirin'  delicate  handlin'.  Follerin'  is  a 
sample  letter  lifted  from  Th'  Ready  Letter 
Writer,  supposedly  from  a  young  gentleman  t' 
a  young  lady  o'  whom  he  has  become  enam- 
ored at  first  sight: 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Bloom  Center,  O., 
April  10,  1870. 
Dear  Miss  Maitland: 

No  doubt  you  will  be  at  a  loss  t'  guess  who 
th'  writer  of  this  letter  is.  I  confess  that  takin' 
this  method  o'  addressin'  one  whom  I  have 
met  but  once,  is  rather  a  rude  one;  but  not 
knowin*  when  I  should  see  you  agin,  if  ever,  I 
ventured  upon  this  plan  of  informin'  you  that 
the  impression  produced  by  your  charmin'  dis- 
position, amiability  an'  accomplishments  is  a 
most  pleasin'  remembrance,  an'  if  I  mistake 
not,  a  lastin'  one.  If  by  your  kind  permission, 
an'  th'  approval  o'  your  parents,  I  shall  be 
granted  th'  privilege  t'  wait  upon  you,  th' 
writin'  o'  this  letter  will  never  be  regretted.  I 
am  well  an'  I  hope  these  few  lines  will  find  you 
th'  same. 

From  your  admirer, 

Clarence  Van  Sickle. 

Note  th'  excellent  English,  th'  faultless  com- 
position an'  th'  true  ring  o'  sincerity  an'  gen- 
uineness in  th'  foregoin'.  Note  how  trite  an' 
unmistakable  th'  writer  expresses  th'  feelin' 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


that  burns  within  him,  at  th'  same  time  spell- 
in'  Amiability  right  an'  supplyin'  th'  required 
number  o'  d's  in  Addressin'.  Study  th'  let- 
ter from  ever'  angle  an'  then  try  t'  imagine 
what  a  girl  o'  th'  present  generation  would  do 
t'  Clarence  Van  Sickle. 

How  th'  love  letters  o'  yisterday  gushed 
with  love  an'  sentiment!  T'day  th'  affairs  o' 
th'  heart  are  breathed  by  word  o'  mouth  or 
handled  9'er  th'  'phone.  We  seem  t'  be  afraid 
t'  put  'em  down  in  black  an'  white  lest  they  git 
in  th'  courts. 


Once  in  a  long  while  some  feller  retires  from 
th'  poultry  business  instead  o'  quittin'. 


Lafe  Bud  says  th'  most  difficult  thing  about 
bein'  a  Progressive  is  keepin'  off  th'  ticket. 


[3] 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


B 


Stands  fer  barber,  suave  an'  debonair, 
Who  never  hones  his  razor  till  you  git 
in  his  chair. 


The  cooler  a  fat  man  dresses  th'  hotter  he 
looks. 


A  bad   cold  wouldn'   be   so   annoyin'   if   it 
wuzn'  fer  th'  advice  of  our  friends. 


In  th'  days  before  th'  phonergraph  an  player 
pianner  a  feller  could  visit  his  friends  in  safety. 


It  must  be  great  t'  be  rich  an'  let  th'  other 
feller  keep  up  appearances. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  half-frozen  look  now  bein'  worn  by  th* 
girls  is  about  th'  most  unbecomin'  fad  they've 
adopted  so  fer. 


When  a  speaker  begins  his  remarks  by 
sayin'  "I'm  not  goin'  t'  take  up  th'  valuable 
time  o'  this  convention,"  you  kin  git  ready  t' 
be  bored. 


If  Carnegie  wants  t'  die  poor  why  don't  he 
start  a  cash  grocery. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Th'  Nose  an'  Its  Relation  t'  Character 

By  Dr.  Mopps 

As  th'  month  o'  June  draws  nigh  th'  prospec- 
tive bride  should  take  a  few  moments  each  day 
from  her  talcum  powder  an'  devote  'em  t'  sober 
reflection.  Th'  step  she  is  plannin'  t'  take  is 
th'  real  big  headliner  act  of  her  life.  Let  her 
consider  it  well.  Let  her  study  th'  teachin's 
o'  th'  world's  greatest  physiognomists,  whose 
theories  are  interwoven  with  th'  findin's  o' 
ever'  known  science,  before  she  leaves  th'  ole 
home,  or  resigns  her  downtown  job.  Let  her 
take  up  nose  readin'  durin'  th'  few  golden 
weeks  that  remain. 

I  wonder  how  many  girls  o'  t'day  who  are 
filled  with  rose-tinted  visions  o'  a  happy  mar- 
ried life  know  that  th'  septum  p'  th'  nose  is 
th'  partition  between  th'  nostrils?  I  wonder 
how  many  girls  o'  t'day  who  are  countin'  th* 
minutes  till  th'  month  o'  roses  know  that  ther 
whole  future  happiness  depends  on  th'  thick- 
ness o'  her  fiance's  septum  an'  its  inclination  t' 
droop  or  not  droop?     If  his  septum  is  thin  an' 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


not  disposed  t'  droop  let  her  take  warnin'  ere 
it  is  too  late,  fer  it  is  a  never  failin'  sign  of  a 
retired  liver.     Tho'  th'  breakin'  o'  her  engage- 


CLOSE   RANQE   STUDY  OF  TH*   NOSC. 


ment  may  embitter  her  fiance's  life  an'  cause 
her  many  a  heart  ache,  it  will  be  better  fer 
both,  as  her  alliance  with  an  inactive  liver 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


would  mean  nothin*  better  than  a  life  filled 
with  misery  an'  regret. 

Th'  nose  is  nature's  most  humble  organ 
next  t'  th'  big  toe.  Th'  whole  human  charac- 
ter is  boldly  written  thereon  so  that  even  she 
who  runs  may  read.  Ther's  no  reason  fer  any- 
buddy  but  a  blind  girl  gittin'  stung.  Whether 
th'  nqse  is  pale,  red  or  veined,  it  is  now  re- 
garded as  th'  only  reliable  index  to  character. 

Ideality,  veneration,  constructiveness,  cau- 
tiousness, mental  imitation,  sublimity  an' 
especially  acquisitiveness  (a  disposition  t'  ac- 
quire property,  money,  etc.,)  are  all  factors  in 
th'  success  o'  life  which  may  be  easily  read 
in  th'  nose,  an'  which  should  be  carefully  con- 
sidered by  ever'  girl  before  she  signs  away 
her  happiness. 

Th'  upper  lip  may  be  a  perfect  cupid's  bow 
an'  full  o'  amativeness,  or  th'  lower  lip  may  be 
thick  with  a  desire  t'  promote  happiness,  but 
neither  indicate  anything  in  th'  way  o'  makin' 
a  livin'. 

Th'  eyes,  long  regarded  as  th'  windows  o' 
th'  soul  an'  th'  true  index  o'  character,  are 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


worthless  without  a  gilt  edged  nose.  A  full- 
ness o'  th'  upper  an'  soft  part  o'  th'  cheek  o'er 
th'  malar  bone  is  another  overworked  sign  that 
counts  fer  nothin'  when  appearin'  in  conjunc- 
tion with  a  thin  septum.  A  square  nose  indi- 
cates a  well  developed  conscience,  which  is  all 
well  an'  good  if  th'  accompanyin'  septum  is 
of  standard  gauge.  Th'  septum  is  th'  thing 
whether  th'  nose  is  concave  or  convex. 

Fullness  an'  breadth  o'  th'  nose  above  th' 
nostrils  indicate  a  capacity  fer  gittin'  th'  goods 
— a  quality  too  rarely  considered  before  wed- 
lock, but  later  regarded  as  bein'  of  inestimable 
value  in  th'  pursuit  o'  happiness.  Such  a  qual- 
ity, too,  avails  but  little,  however,  if  th'  septum 
is  thin. 

O'  course,  its  purty  hard  t'  associate  any 
sentiment  with  th'  nose  no  matter  how  close 
we  occasionally  git  t'  it,  but  jest  th'  same  if 
th'  prospective  bride  while  holdin'  hands,  '11 
jest  make  a  careful  analysis  o'  her  finance's 
nose  while  ther'  is  yit  time  it  may  be  th'  means 
o'  savin'  her  th'  embarrassment  o'  th'  pale, 
hungry  expression  that  is  t'  be  found  all  too 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


often  on  th'  faces  o'  those  who  have  sought 
happiness  at  th'  altar  o'  love. 


What's  become  o'  th*  ole  time  farmer  who 
used  t'  give  each  of  his  children  a  calf  when 
they  became  of  age? 


If  it  wuzn'  fer  th*  fellers  who  "intend  t*  put 
it  back  tomorrow"  who'd  keep  books  in  our 
penitentiaries? 


Some  fellers  chaw  a  se-gar  like  th'  bit  wuz 
under  ther  tongue. 


Who  remembers  when  th'  ole  ice  cream  par- 
lor wuz  th'  steppin'  stone  to  th'  altar? 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  most  necessary  of  all  auto  accessories 
is  hoss  sense. 


In  country  towns  where  th'  garage  keepers 
never  heard  of  a  gasoline  strainer,  th'  auto- 
mobilist  kin  get  back  home  th'  same  day  by 
placin'  a  crush  felt  hat  over  th'  funnel. 


Becomin*  a  reformer  after  th'  joyd  o'  youth 
have  fled  don't  count. 


We're  aill  held  up,  either  on  th'  road  home  or 
after  we  git  there. 


What's  become  o'  th'  children  who  used  t' 
show  a  little  respect  fer  ole  people? 


M] 


# 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


A  fly  in  th'  ointment  is  a  church  social  com- 
pared t'  water  in  th'  gasoline. 


Some  folks  are  so  poor  they  have  t'  go  out 
t'  th'  garage  t'  see  what  time  it  is. 


Saturday  night  is  father's  day. 


Don't  let  adverse  criticism  discourage  you, 
but  forge  ahead  like  th'  cigaret. 


Absence  makes  th'  neck  grow  longer. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  Passin'  o'  Whiskers 

By  Ex-Editur  Cale  Fluhart 

It  haint  been  so  many  years  ago  since  you 
could  stand  on  th'  corner  an'  come  purty  close 
t'  guessin'  ever'  feller's  age  who  passed  along 
by  th'  cut  o'  his  jib.  .O'  course  our  estimates 
were  based  largely  on  th'  length  an'  style  o' 
whiskers.  T'day  whiskers  are  th'  exception 
an'  th'  feller  who  throws  himself  on  th'  tender 
mercies  of  a  capable  barber  kin  easily  pass  fer 
thirty-two  till  he's  seventy-nine. 

In  th'  ole  days  when  whiskers  wuz  th'  hight 
o'  ever'  feller's  ambition  nobuddy  wuz  ever 
taken  seriously  until  they  showed  unmistak- 
able evidence  o'  ther  ability  t'  grow  a  beard. 
After  a  feller  raised  a  full  set  o'  crisp  glossy 
whiskers,  either  red  or  black,  he  at  once  be- 
came eligible  t'  discuss  th'  most  momentous 
questions,  either  national  or  international. 
Whiskers  denoted  a  mature  mind.  Profession- 
al men  cultivated  them  in  large  bunches.  Side- 
bums  wuz  in  high  favor.  Sometimes  they 
were  under  control  an'  sometimes  they  were 


ABE      MARTINIS 


allowed  t*  foller  ther  own  inclinations.  Full 
sets  were  all  th'  rage  with  medical  men,  an' 
no  family  doctor  could  expect  t'  enjoy  th'  full 


A    FAMILY   DOCTOR    AN'    HIS   WHISKERS. 

confidence  of  his  patients  unless  he  had  all  th* 
space  on  his  face  under  cultivation  except  his 
nose  an'  forehead.  A  feller's  ability  wuz 
measured  by  th'  length  o'  his  whiskers,  an* 
/ 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


when  they  wuz  streaked  with  grey  his  judg- 
ment wuz  supposed  t'  be  ripe  an'  ready  t'  pull. 

Once  in  a  while  some  feller  wuz  darin' 
enough  t'  wear  a  smooth  face,  but  he  wuz  soon 
drowned  out  o'  th'  conversation.  If  a  young 
bare  faced  squirt  proposed  t*  a  girl  she  would 
call  him  fer  his  presumption  an'  say :  "Begone ! 
When  you  kin  show  me  a  neat  velvety  mus- 
tache I'll  talk  business,  but  not  until."  A  girl 
used  t'  believe  that  a  feller  that  could  work  up 
t'  a  firm,  evenly  spaced  mustache  could  easily 
master  all  th'  later  problems  in  life. 

A  few  architects  still  stick  t'  th'  ole  time  Van 
Dykes  an'  we  occasionally  meet  a  government 
employe  who  stands  defiantly  under  th'  civil 
service  laws  wearin'  a  hedge.  Th'  trailin'  ar- 
butus, or  Wild  Bill  mustache,  is  almost  extinct. 
It  wuz  undermined  above  th'  lip  an'  allowed  t' 
droop  from  either  corner  o'  th'  mouth  after  th' 
fashion  o'  cypress  moss.  In  some  sections 
where  land  sells  fer  eighty  cents  per  acre  we 
not  infrequently  encounter  human  bein's  wear- 
in'  a  tangled  mass  interspersed  with  cow  licks. 
Virgin  forests  o'  th'  face  as  it  were — beards 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


•  that  have  never  been  disciplined  or  felt  th' 
keen  edge  o'  th'  razor. 

Within  th'  year  a  party  o'  surveyors  wuz 
choppin  its  way  thro'  th'  hills  o'  southern  In- 
dianny  when  it  came  upon  a  feller  wearin' 
neatly  trimmed  chin  whiskers  with  th'  hair 
line  dropped  fully  an  inch  below  th'  lower  lip, 
th'  intervenin'  space  bein'  carefully  parked. 
Otherwise  th'  feller  seemed  intelligent  enough 
an'  asked  many  questions  showin'  that  he  took 
a  weekly  paper. 

But  th'  American  continent  is  fast  loosin'  its 
whiskers  an'  let  us  hope  that  no  effort  will  be 
made  t'  conserve  th'  last  shaggy  remnant. 


Jest  give  some  fellers  plenty  o'  t'backer  an' 
they'll  tell  you  th'  country  wuz  never  as  pros- 
perous. 


Tilford  Moots  is  as  close  as  a  wet  an'  dry 
election. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  back  number 
mother  who  used  t'  bake  a  wash  boiler  full  o' 
vitrified  cookies  jest  fer  th'  children? 


Much    o'   th*   unhappiness   o'   life   may   be 
traced  directly  t'  th'  selectin'  o'  wall  paper. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  sport  that 
used  t'  part  his  hair  behind  an'  use  a  fancy 
meerschaum  segar  holder? 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole-fashioned  farmer 
who  didn'  know  what  eggs  wuz  worth? 


It  takes  all  kinds  o'  folks  t'  make  a  world, 
includin'  th'  feller  who's  alius  borrowin'  your 
lead  pencil  t'  show  you  where  you're  wrong. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


C 


Stands  fer  candidate,  with  a  smile  an'  a 

smirk, 
He's  out  fer  an  office  so  he  won't  have  t' 

work. 


It  seems  like  they  pile  all  th'  crushed  stone 
on  th*  road  t'  success. 


Less  Pash  is  out  o'  debt  after  havin'  been 
married  only  fifteea  years. 


Th*  first  thing  some  folks  put  on  after  they 
git  up  in  th*  mornin'  is  a  fresh  grouch. 


If  we  could  only  see  ourselves  as  others 
do  us. 


A  new  friction  drive  towel  has  replaced  th' 
ole  1904  model  at  th'  New  Palace  hut-tel. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Eats 

By  Dr.  Mopps 

Th'  great  national  curse  t'day  is  over-eatin'. 
We  do  not  only  eat  too  much,  but  we  devote 
too  much  time  thinkin'  about  eatin*.  Some  of 
us  eat  alone  in  peace  while  others  eat  at  home ; 
some  of  us  prefer  t'  dine  al  fresco  where  th'  el- 
bows will  have  th'  freedom  of  a  snare  drum- 
mer's, an'  others  prefer  th'  secluded  corner  o' 
some  cafe  where  they  kin  gargle  ther  soup  t' 
music  under  a  pale  green  light;  some  folks 
like  t'  dine  a  la  carte,  while  others  go  in  fer  a 
table  de  bote  dinner  an'  loaf  over  a  dry  Mar- 
tini in  happy  anticipation  o'  what's  t'  come; 
fer  others  th'  long  boardin'  house  table  with 
its  pyramids  o'  boiled  messes  has  its  charms — 
where  you  kin  reach  pro  an'  con  like  a  Swiss 
bell  ringer,  an'  where  th'  scandal  o'  th'  day  is 
passed  around  with  th'  butter  an'  th'  tooth- 
picks. 

Ever'where  we  look  there's  a  eatin'  place. 
In  the  corridors  o'  our  great  sky-scrapers  we 
find  th'  lunch  counter.  Wherever  ther's  pop- 
es) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


ulation  enough  t*  fill  a  few  stools  we  find  a 
great  brazen  coffee  urn  an'  a  stack  o'  buns.  It's 
interestin'  t*  watch  a  little  dried  up  feller  all 
schrooched  down  in  a  one-arm  chair  listlessly 
.stirrin'  a  mug  o'  coffee  while  he  munches  a 
large  sticky  coil  an'  studies  th'  fantastic  pat- 
terns in  th'  tile  floor.  Th'  first  thing  a  stranger 
does  when  he  gits  in  a  town  is  t'  look  fer  a 
good  resturint,  an'  th'  only  thing  he  remem- 
bers about  th'  town  in  after  years  is  th'  coffee. 
Many  folks  form  ther  impression  o'  a  city  by 
it's  coffee.  Th'  best  advertisement  in  th' 
world  fer  any  town  is  good  coffee.  Th'  only 
thing  some  folks  ever  associate  with  th'  de- 
lights o'  country  life  is  fried  chicken.  An'  th' 
only  thing  some  folks  ever  see  in  th'  grandeur 
o'  our  autumnal  colorin'  is  th'  oyster  season. 
Th'  sublime  beauty  o'  winter,  when  all  nature 
wears  a  mantle  o'  glistenin'  white,  is  entirely 
lost  on  some  folks  because  succotash  is  out  o' 
season.  Instead  o'  watchin'  fer  the'  meek-eyed 
crocus  when  th'  snow  begins  t'  melt  on  th* 
north  side  o'  th'  house  we  haunt  th'  market 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Stalls  an'  watch  fer  th'  first  pale  sickly  rhubarb 
t*  show  up. 

Eatin'  is  th'  paramount  issue  in  this  country 


jl  r 


"HOW   WUZ  TH'    CAT8?' 


t'day.  Even  if  we  go  t*  th'  the-ater  th'  pleas- 
ure o'  th'  evenin'  is  not  complete  unless  we  top 
it  off  with  a  dinner  fit  fer  a  tiger.  Even  when 
we  return  from  a  business  trip  of  a  weddin', 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


or  a  visit  t'  Aunt  Lide  or  t'  Paris  er  Rome,  th' 
first  question  we're  asked  is  **How  wuz  th' 
eats?" 


After  all,  a  woman  is  a  good  deal  like  th' 
automobile — it  hain't  th'  upholestrin'  that 
counts. 


Ever'  man  has  his  price,  but  th'  tag  is  often 
turned  th'  wrong  way. 


You've  got  t'  be  fifty-nine  years  ole  t'  believe 
a  feller  is  at  his  best  at  sixty. 


Th'   tango   is   still  further  proof  th'   ever' 
knock  is  a  boost. 


Settlement  work  should  begin  at  th'  corner 
grocery. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

Th'  trouble  with  wearin'  a  Palm  Beach  suit 
is  that  youVe  got  t'  keep  movin*. 


Mr.  Oatie  Sap  has  got  so  he  kin  almost  run 
his  auto  without  blowin'  th'  horn. 


A  boy  may  show  ever'  evidence  o'  becomin' 
a  failure  in  life  an'  still  play  "Home,  Sweet 
Home"  on  th'  mouth  organ. 


Some  fellers'  idea  o'  bein'  funny  is  breakin' 
a  few  bones  when  they  shake  your  hand. 


Wink  Pash  has  been  kicked  out  o'  th'  Per- 
sonal Liberty  Club  fer  servin'  animal  crackers 
with  a  Dutch  lunch. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


D 


Stands  fer  dollar,  pelf  as  it  were, 
Don't  hate  t'  part  with  one,  it  won't  go 
very  fer. 


It's  even  dangerous  t'  exchange  confidences 
in  a  canoe. 


Th'  luster  so  much  admired  in  a  celluloid 
collar  may  be  restored  by  floor  wax. 


We  all  belong  t'  th'  union  when  it  comes  t' 
wantin'  more  money  an'  less  work. 


Th'  Chautaqua  season  opened  here  yisterday 
with  two  jugglers,  a  boxin'  kangaroo  an'  a 
lecture  on  eugenics. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


You  never  know  a  feller  till  after  youVe 
seen  him  pump  a  tire. 


Who  remembers  when  th'  ownin'  of  a  hoss 
an'  buggy  wuz  regarded  as  an  evidence  o' 
ample  means? 


If  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  down  an'  out  who'd  har- 
vest th'  mint  crop? 

-      W> 

Th'  trouble  with  a  dry  town  is  that  th'  drug 
stores  don't  get  th'  baseball  scores. 


All  th'  world  loves  a  good  loser. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  girl  who  let      \ 
th'  matter  drop  when  some  feller  jilted  her? 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Th'  Ole  Silver  Comet  Band 

By  Tell  Binkley 

If  one  is  fortunate  enough  t'  catch  Prof. 
Clem  Harner  when  he's  in  one  o'  his  semi- 
annual good  humors  an*  proceeds  with  caution, 
a  charmin'  half  hour's  entertainment  is  assured 
him.  Since  th'  ravages  o'  time  have  disquali- 
fied th'  Professor  fer  further  activity  in  music- 
al affairs  he  has  grown  sullen,  only  breakin' 
th'  silence  at  rare  intervals  t'  belittle  some  no- 
table achievement  o'  progress. 

"What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  silver  cornet 
band,  th'  ole  time  oom  ta  ta  *Marchin'  Thro' 
Georgy'  band  that  used  t'  play  on  th'  slightest 
provocation?"  I  asked  th'  grizzled  veteran  o' 
many  a  hard  fought  band  contest  as  he  monop- 
olized th'  only  chair  in  front  o'  th'  pustoffice. 
"Well,  sir,"  said  he,  "th'  ole  time  musicians 
who  used  t'  play  jest  t'  hear  'emselves  have  dis- 
persed t'  make  room  fer  th'  modern  unionized 
an'  commercialized  wind  jammers  who  only 
show  'emselves  on  a  guarantee.  In  th'  ole 
days  a  brass  band  wuz  a  social  organization. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


T'day  it's  a  cold  blooded  business  proposition. 
Twenty  bar  rests  are  a  thing  o'  th*  past  an' 
ever'  sour  note  is  protected  by  th'  union.    Th' 


"WHERE   DO  YOU   QO   FROM    HERE?"    MAUD   A8KED. 

ole  38-pound  red  felt  uniform,  with  helmet  an' 
plume,  has  passed  away  ferever." 

"You've  had  many  years'  experience  as  a 
band  player,  have  you  not?"  I  ventured,  at 

(8) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


th'  same  time  placin'  a  pale  grocery  se-gar  in 
th'  tremblin'  hand  o'  th'  ole  bandmaster. 

"Forty-three  years  th*  last  time  Bryan  spoke 
here.  It  wuz  a  sour  note  that  put  me  in  th* 
business.  I'd  been  thrown  in  daily  contact 
with  a  yaller  clarinet  when  a  child  an'  at  th' 
age  o'  fourteen,  after  I  had  it  about  two-thirds 
subdued,  I  ran  away  with  a  circus  as  a  canvas 
hand.  One  night  durin'  a  performance  while 
th'  band  wuz  playin'  *In  th'  Sweet  Bye  an' 
Bye'  th'  clarinetist  dropped  a  sour  note  closely 
resemblin'  th'  terrifyin'  cry  o'  a  panther  an' 
th'  audience  stampeded  an'  nine  people  wuz 
killed.  Th'  clarinet  player  wuz  discharged  an' 
I  took  his  place.  I  traveled  many  years  with 
circuses  with  varyin'  success.  Once  I  walked 
home  from  Tombstone,  Arizony.  At  another 
time  I  wuz  poisoned  on  canned  corn  at  Hurley, 
Wisconsin,  an'  carried  t'  th'  nearest  white 
settlement.  From  th'  front  left  hand  corner  of 
a  gold  an'  green  combination  bandwagon  an' 
hyena  cage  I  had  a  fine  location  from  which  t' 
gather  my  impressions  o'  America.  But  cir- 
cus life  has  its  drawbacks  like  ever'thing  else 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


but  loafin'.  Th'  hours  wuz  long,  th'  sleepin* 
quarters  cramped,  breakfast  alius  five  hours 
late  an'  bathin'  a  lost  art." 

"After  you  took  up  th'  cornet  what  wuz  your 
favorite  solo?"  I  made  bold  t*  ask  th*  aged 
virtuoso,  profferin*  a  second  se-gar  as  a  guar- 
antee o'  good  faith. 

"Th*  Levey  Polka,  a  triple  tongue  solo  that 
wuz  ver'  poplar  durin'  th'  ole  Duprez  and 
Benedick  era,  but  rarely  attempted  t'day  by 
even  th'  most  darin'  an'  reckless  cornetists." 
Havin'  a  good  start  th'  wrinkled  leader  contin- 
ued without  further  se-gars:  "Joinin'  a  band 
wuz  th'  hight  o'  ever'  lad's  ambition  in  th'  ole 
days.  It  wuz  th'  turnin'  point  in  his  life.  Be- 
longin'  t'  th'  band  wuz  th'  steppin'  stone  t'  th' 
purtiest  girl  in  town.  Epaulets  an'  a  plume 
were  great  beau  catchers  an'  when  they  were 
backed  up  by  th'  soft  mellow  notes  o'  a  slip 
horn  or  a  second  alto  they  wuz  well  nigh  irre- 
sistible. But  th'  hardest  thing  about  belongin' 
t'  a  band  in  the  ole  days  wuz  loafin'  around 
waitin'  to  be  called  out." 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


E 


Stands  fer  eventually,  th*  time  you'll  pay 
Fer  th'  set  o'  Victor  Hugo  bought  on 
payments  in  May. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  some  girls  seem 
t'  regard  th'  tango  as  th'  most  important  step 
in  ther  lives. 


Ther  hain't  much  in  th'  newspapers  these 
days  'cept  motions  fer  new  trials  an'  hints  fer 
women.  r 


It's  a  wise  feller  that  kin  tell  th*  gunboat 
Dolphin  from  th'  scout  ship  Chester. 


Uncle  Abe  Hulsizer  wuz  in  town  t'  day  an' 
reported  his  folks  all  well  'cept  Elmer,  who 
worries  considerable  because  he  didn'  buy  a 
lighter  car. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


A  fire  started  in  th'  livery  stable  under  Melo- 
deon  Hall  yisterday,  an'  it  looked  fer  awhile 
like  th'  historic  ole  playhouse  wuz  doomed,  but 
Constable  Newt  Plum  finally  found  his  helmet 
an*  put  it  out. 


It's  in  th'  triflin'  transactions  o'  life  that  a 
feller  alius  gives  himself  away. 


You  kin  alius  tell  a  "dry"  town  by  th'  sugar 
barrels  around  th'  depot 

Tilford  Moots  is  slowly  recoverin'  from  a 
grocery  se-gar. 


Who  remembers  when  it  used  t'  be  a  sign  o' 
inferiority  t'  buy  a  piece  o'  bacon?  / 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


You  kin  make  an  enemy  o'  most  anybuddy 
by  askin'  'em  if  they've  been  sick. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  received  a  pustal 
card  from  her  nephew  sayin*  he  wuz  married, 
but  he  didn't  say  what  on. 


Some  folks  laugh  when  they're  kicked  an' 
frown  when  they  dance. 


It  seems  like  th'  less  a  statesman  amounts 
to  th'  more  he  loves  th'  flag. 


Some  defeated  candidates  go  back  t'  work 
an'  others  say  th!  fight  has  jest  begun. 


I'd  hate  t'  be  a  girl  an'  have  t'  remodel  ever' 
spring  an'  fall. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th*  Newspaper 

By  Tell  Blnkley 

What's  become  o*  th'  ole  feller  who  used  t' 
boast  that  he  didn'  read  no  newspapers  an'  that 
he  jest  knowed  what  he  knowed? 

Th'  country  used  t'  be  filled  with  such  folks. 
They  were  sot  in  ther  ways  an'  they  thought 
that  ther  wuz  some  ketch  t'  a  newspaper.  But 
they  believed  ever'thing  they  heard  an'  half  o' 
ever'thing  they  seen.  While  ther  wuz  lots  o' 
ignorance,  th'  bliss  wuz  o'  poor  quality.  T'day 
th'  daily  newspaper  penetrates  ever'  nook  an' 
corner  in  th'  land  carryin'  with  it  th'  news  o' 
th'  world,  t'gether  with  th'  council  proceedin's 
o'  Kokomo,  pictures  o'  leadin'  club  women  an' 
recipes  fer  creamed  carrots. 

Some  folks  subscribe  fer  a  daily  newspaper, 
some  borrow  it  jest  t'  read,  while  others  take 
it.  Ever'buddy  gits  hold  o'  a  daily  newspaper 
somehow.  Even  th'  farmer  who  lives  ten 
miles  off  th'  pike  wants  his  news  while  it's 
hot.  It  gives  him  somethin'  t'  discuss  besides 
a  new  calf  when  he  gathers  his  family  about 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


him  in  th'  eveiiin*.  Th*  daily  newspaper  takes 
a  society  woman's  mind  off  her  finger  nails  an* 
causes  th'  purple  magnate  t'  ponder  as  he  sets 
all  spread  out  in  his  easy  chair  after  th' 
day's  inanipulations.  No  matter  who  you  are 
or  where  you  live  there  is  no  reason  in  th' 
world  why  you  should  not  be  able  t'  talk  glibly 
an'  without  hesitation  on  the  affairs  o'  the 
world.  Even  in  towns  o'  three  bread  boxes  an' 
a  few  sparrows  th'  most  caloused  lounger  kin 
discuss  th'  complicated  condition  of  European 
affairs.  He  knows  when  sumbuddy  presents 
President  Wilson  with  a  ten  pound  sweet 
p'tater  an'  he  kin  talk  fluently  about  four  mur- 
der cases  at  once. 

In  th'  ole  days  folks  in  the  cross  road  towns 
use  to  worry  along  an'  wait  fer  a  weekly  news- 
paper an'  then  all  th'  out-o'-town  news  they'd 
git  wuz  a  lumbago  ad  from  Boston.  Th'  daily 
newspaper  has  been  th'  principal  factor  in  th' 
development  o'  this  country.  It's  civilizin'  in- 
fluences have  changed  our  whole  style  o' 
pitchin'  an'  filled  us  with  ambition  an'  pride. 

There's  no  prettier  sight  than  th'  modern 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


family  (when  it  is  possible  t*  git  its  members 
together  fer  an  hour)  settin'  around  a  cozy 
grate  devourin'  th'  contents  o'  a  daily  news- 


"WHAT  DO   YOU    KNOW   ABOUT  THIS?" 

paper.  Mother  skims  over  th'  burglaries  an' 
settles  down  t'  th'  soap  ads,  while  father  ex- 
presses hearty  approval  on  th'  Monroe  doc- 
trine.   Th*  boys  argue  o'er  th'  Giants  and  Ath- 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Ictics,  while  th'  girlt  set  on  th'  blue  plush  dav- 
enport an'  knock  ever'buddy  in  th*  society  col- 
umn. 

It's  impossible  t'  estimate  th'  value  o'  news- 
paper publicity  fer  good.  It  drags  th'  four 
flusher  int'  th'  limelight  an'  keeps  th'  spineless 
public  servant  on  th'  job.  While  ther's  still 
some  things  in  this  country  that  don't  jest  ex- 
actly come  up  t'  our  ideas  we  should  thank  th' 
daily  newspaper  that  we're  permitted  t' 
breathe. 

No  normally  constituted  feller  kin  read  a 
daily  newspaper  without  congratulatin'  him- 
self that  he  haint  in  jail  or  a  candidate  fer 
office. 

IT 

The  best  way  t'  fight  fer  your  country  is  t' 
stand  fer  peace. 


Th'  nearest  some  fellers  ever  come  t'  garden- 
in'  is  diggin'  up  th'  past. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


It  don't  cost  as  much  t*  hold  up  your  end  if 
you  stay  in  your  class. 


We  waste  lots  o*  time  in  this  world  tryin* 
to  figure  out  what  somebuddy  else  is  worth. 


IT 


Th*  ole  time  mother  who  used  t*  wonder 
where  her  boy  wuz  now  has  a  grandson  who 
wonders  where  his  mother  is. 


It's  goin'  some  t'  be  prominent  enough  t' 
be  criticised. 


A  failure  must  have  a  hard  time  tracin'  his 
downfall  in  a  dry  town. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


F 


stands  fer  film,  wherein  stars  o'  renown 
Appear  all  over  th'  country  without  leavin' 
town. 


About  th*  worst  mistake  Huerta  made  wuz 
havin'  his  picture  taken. 

nr 

How  t*  be  civil  tho'  busy  is  a  mighty  rare 
accomplishment. 


You  never  see  any  investment  brokers  run- 
nin'  after  a  feller  that  kin  name  all  th'  holidays 
offhand. 


You  kin  never  tell  what  a  woman  or  a  coun- 
try jury  is  goin'  t'  do. 


YouVe  got  t'  go  some  t'  come  back. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Among  others  who  are  out  of  employment 
"on  account  o'  Wilson"  are  th'  politicians. 


Tell  Binkley  has  a  dandy  new  cabinet  photo 
o*  himself  if  he  ever  gits  in  trouble. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  she's  alius  glad 
when  Decoration  Day  is  over  'cause  thers  so 
much  talk  about  "pineys.** 


A  holiday  is  th*  worst  thing  that  kin  happen 
t'  some  folks. 


Anyhow  we  know  where  a  knocker  stands. 


A  feller  who  knows  his  business  is   alius 
reticent. 


ABE       MAR  TIN'S 


Our  Appallin'  Literary  Output 

By  Miss  Pawn  Lippincut 

When  we  look  at  th'  great  mass  o'  literature 
that  tests  th'  capacity  o'  bookstores  an'  news- 
stands we  can't  help  thinkin'  what  a  scramble 
ther  must  be  fer  even  standin'  room  in  th' 
field  o'  literature.  Most  anybuddy  roundin' 
forty  kin  easily  remember  th'  day  when  two 
or  three  family  story  papers,  a  couple  o'  maga- 
zines, a  stock  o'  Ned  Buntline's  yeller  backs, 
an  illustrated  pink  weekly  devoted  t'  crime  an' 
th'  prize  ring  an'  "Lovell's  Library"  consti- 
tuted what  wuz  regarded  at  th'  time  as  a  first 
class  book  an'  news  depot.  "Lovell's  Library" 
wuz  made  up  of  paper  backed  novels — thrillin* 
stories  of  adventure  an'  heart  meltin'  tales  o' 
love — by  such  celebrated  writers  as  Wilkie 
Collins,  Clark  Russell,  Mrs.  Henry  Wood, 
Ouida,  Hugh  Conway,  Charlotte  Braeme, 
Robert  Buchanan  an'  Th'  Duchess.  Th'  great 
popularity  o'  Adam  Bede,  Th'  Mill  on  th' 
Floss,  Black  Beauty,  Lena  Rivers,  Uncle 
Tom's    Cabin,    Robinson    Crusoe   an'   Enoch 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Ardeii  had  dwindled  t*  a  fair  demand,  but  were 
t'  be  found  among  th'  others. 
Jest  think  o'  th*  apallin'  literary  output  o' 


A   LITCRARY   DISPOSAL  PLANT  IN   OPERATION. 

t'day.  It  would  require  an  abandoned  skatin' 
rink  t'  carry  a  full  line  o'  current  literature. 
In  th'  average  home  th'  cartin'  away  o'  th' 
accumulated  literature  has  come  t'  be  as  much 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


of  a  problem  as  th*  removal  o'  ashes  an*  gar- 
bage. A  literary  disposal  plant  is  one  o'  th' 
urgent  needs  o'  th*  times.  On  returnin'  from 
a  week's  vacation  one  has  t'  tunnel  thro'  th' 
great  drifts  o'  papers  an'  magazines  t'  reach  th' 
front  door. 

Ther's  no  longer  any  mystery  about  how  th' 
other  half  o'  th'  world  lives.  It  writes.  Fer 
ever'  mail  box  ther's  an  amateur  writer.  As 
th'  day  draws  t'  a  close  he  may  be  seen  skulkin' 
along  thro'  th'  shadows  t'  a  mail  box  bearin' 
a  thick  reel  o'  manuscript  addressed  t'  some 
magazine  publisher.  He  knows  some  maga- 
zine needs  it  t'  balance  up  its  advertisin'. 
When  a  magazine  editur  returns  a  manuscript 
it's  because  he  hain't  got  room  fer  it.  It's  no 
sign  he  has  read  it.  Writers  know  that.  They 
jest  remail  it  t'  some  other  editor.  Th'  great 
difficulty  in  contributin'  t'  th'  magazines  is 
knowin'  which  magazine  needs  your  stuff. 
When  a  magazine  editur  rips  open  a  story  he 
counts  th'  pages  an'  calls  t'  his  assistant: 
"George,  kin  we  use  about  twenty-eight  hun- 
dred words  next  month?"  an'  George  answers 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

right  off  th*  bat  (bein'  thoroughly  familiar 
with  th'  number  o*  ads)  :  "Yes,  it'll  jest  bal- 
ance up  th*  ads." 

Th'  amateur  author  never  gits  discouraged. 
Sometimes  he  drys  up  fer  a  week  or  ten  days, 
but  he's  soon  at  it  agin.  He  knows  that  ther 
must  be  somewhere  some  editur  that's  holdin' 
his  forms  open  ier  his  story  an'  he  mails  it 
an'  remails  it  till  he  hits  th'  right  editur. 

Writin'  looks  awful  easy,  an'  most  of  it  must 
be   awful   easy.     That's   th'   reason   so   many 
neglect  ther  personal  appearance  an'  become 
writers.     I've  often  thought  I'd  lay  off  some 
afternoon  an'  write  a  novel.     But  writin'  fer 
magazines  is  th'  best  sport.     It's  4fc  lazy  an' 
fascinatin'  as  fishin'.     You're  your  own  mas-      ^ 
ter.     You    don't    even    have    t'   be   available.     / 
Jest  so  your  story  is  long  enough  or  short   / 
enough — jest  so  th'  editor  has  room  fer  it.        J 

When  we  reflect  that  Pilgrim's  Progress 
wuz  writt'n  in  jail,  that  Silvio  Pellico  an'  Tasso 
did  ther  best  writin'  behind  th'  bars,  that  Sir 
Walter  Raleigh's  admirable  history  o'  th' 
world  wuz  written  with  his  hands  handcuffed 

(8) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


behind  him  in  th'  Tower  o'  London,  that  Leigh 
Hunt  wuz  layin'  out  a  fine  when  Rimini  wuz 
written,  an'  that  Daniel  Defoe  laid  th'  plans 
fer  Robinson  Crusoe  while  he  wuz  in  a  lock-up 
we  must  confess  that  th'  World  t'day  is  lenient 
indeed. 


No  girl  ever  reformed  a  tight  wad. 


Some  folks  are  jest  quietly  good  an'  others 
use  an  orchestra  accompaniment. 


Next  t'  waitin*  till  somebuddy  gits  thro' 
tellin'  a  story  th'  hardest  thing  is  givin'  your 
seat  t'  a  lady  on  a  $1  excursion. 


In  addition  t'  alius  havin'  th'  correct  time  a 
loafer  invariably  carries  a  sharp  penknife. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


It's  sweet  t'  be  remembered,  but  its  often 
cheaper  t'  be  fergotten. 


Th'  war  is  not  only  increasin'  th'  cost  o'  liv- 
in*,  but  carbolic  acid  has  gone  up. 


Ted   Binkley   is   sellin'    North    Sea   minin* 
stock. 


Ther  kin  never  be  anything  in  common  be- 
tween plain  people  an*  fancy  prices. 


Nothin'  makes  some  fellers  feel  their  impor- 
tance like  a  roll  top  desk  an'  a  swivel  chair. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


G 


stands  fer  gossip,  "I  heard,**  or  "They 

say," 
Gossip  has  wrecked  many  a  future  in  less 

than  a  day. 


Look  out  fer  th'  feller  who  lets  you  do  all 
th*  talkin'. 

A  woman  may  not  know  enough  t*  vote,  but 
she  kin  git  out  a  little  work  without  lightin'  a 
pipe  or  takin'  a  couple  o'  drinks. 


Who  remembers  th*  ole  time  "grand  ball  an* 
/     oyster  supper"? 


We*re  all  more  or  less  musically  inclined 
when  it  comes  t'  fiddlin'  aroimd. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


What  I  can't  understand  about  a  circus  is 
why  it  takes  eight  horses  t'  pull  a  cage  con- 
tainin'  a  nineteen-pound  kangaroo. 


Long  hair  an'  a  Windsor  tie  won't  git  you 
by  unless  you're  really  great. 


Fer  ever'  feller  that's  got  a  little  dab  o' 
money  ther's  ten  fellers  figurin'  on  how  they're 
goin'  t'  separate  him  from  it. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  feller 
who  wuz  willin'  t'  begin  at  th'  bottom? 


Tilford  Moots  says  he  never  gambled  in  his 
life,  'cept  he  raised  a  son. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


It's  all  right  fer  a  feller  t'  be  self  made,  but 
he  ought  t'  hire  a  press  agent  an'  not  try  t' 
do  everything  himself. 

Ther's  alius  been  a  suspicion  that  Mexican 
*  presidents  held  out,  but  Huerta  wuz  certainly 
th'  limit. 


You  never  hear  o'  any  o'  th'  couples  who 
go  t'  Niagary  Falls  fer  ther  honeymoon  re- 
turnin'  in  after  years  fer  a  peace  conference. 


Some  folks,  like  most  resturints,   seem  t' 
think  a  clean  front  is  all  that's  necessary. 


It  seems  like  one  o'  th'  hardest  lessons  t'  be 
learned  in  this  life  is  where  your  business  ends 
an'  somebuddy  else's  begins. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Personal  Magnetism 

By  Prof.  Alex  Tanscy 

Personal  magnetism  is  that  quality  in  human 
nature  which  enables  a  feller  t'  git  by  with  a 
red  carnation  in  his  lapel  an*  little  ability — 
that  indefinable  somethin'  which  enables  us  t' 
appeal  t'  others  with  success. 

Personal  magnetism,  like  th'  squash,  may  be 
cultivated  an'  developed,  an'  th'  reward,  as  in 
th'  case  o'  th'  squash,  is  alius  fer  in  excess  o' 
any  trouble  or  expense  incurred. 

Th'  next  time  you  see  a  promoter,  or  a  poli- 
tician, carefully  study  his  magnetic  qusdity. 
He  may  not  have  a  warm,  soggy  clasp  o'  th' 
hand  or  a  fireman's  mustache,  an'  he  may  not 
be  dressed  accordin'  t'  th'  magazine  ads  or 
belong  t'  any  lodges.  But  ther's  somethin' 
about  him  which  attracts  you  t'  him.  At  first 
he  may  impress  you  as  bein'  a  boss  doctor,  or 
one  interested  in  th'  culture  o'  bees,  but  after 
you're  under  his  spell  fer  a  moment  you  feel  a 
crumblin'  sensation.  You  realize  he's  got  your 
number  an'  that  it's  useless  t'  plead.    We've 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


all  bought  life  insurance  or  a  hat  or  somethin* 

else  we  didn'  want  while  under  th'  same  spell. 

Magnetism  means  social  as  well  as  financial 


PaPTV 

3  one"  GOOD 

OESGRVES 
ANOTHER 


W^lMil    sPOo^:^-'-_ 


A   POPULAR    CITIZEN    IN  TH'    HAND8   O'    HIS    FRIENDS. 


success,  since  it  makes  warm  useful  friends 
without  th'  aid  o'  money. 

Th'  first  step  in  developin*  personal  magne- 
tism is  t'  learn  t'  be  cheerful  tho'  bored.     A 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


wide  radiant  smile  is  th'  foundation  o'  magnet- 
tism.  But  a  smile  t'  be  effective  must  have  a 
well  ordered  background.  Th'  teeth  should  be 
plugged  an'  evened  up.  After  you've  mastered 
th'  art  o'  smilin'  an'  bein'  cheerful  begin  t' 
train  yourself  t'  sayin'  an'  doin'  only  agreeable 
things,  rememberin'  that  one  little  mean  act  '11 
counteract  a  whole  day's  smile. 

In  your  battle  t'  become  magnetic  you'll 
often  become  discouraged  as  your  effort  t' 
avoid  causin'  friction  in  other  natures  will  be 
fraught  with  many  difficulties.  This  is  where 
a  strong  heart  with  an  overhead  valve  comes 
in  handy  if  th'  best  results  are  t'  be  achieved. 
As  you  proceed  you'll  attract  new  friends. 
You'll  be  asked  t'  join  clubs  an'  lodges,  an' 
lead  parades. 

O'  course  if  you're  well  fixed  you  kin  do 
without  personal  magnetism.  But  if  you're 
jest  startin'  out  in  life  with  a  piano  half  paid 
fer  personal  magnetism  is  invaluable. 

What  a  pity  it  is  that  so  many  o'  us  refuse 
t'  become  acquainted  with  our  own  great 
powers,  but  instead  prefer  t'  struggle  along  an' 

19) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


toady  after  those  who  have  seen  th'  light  an' 
found  th'  way. 


When  a  woman  ties  a  handkerchief  around 
a  dime  it's  a  sign  she  takes  no  chances. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  a  new  sleepin' 
porch  that  looks  like  a  squab  loft. 


Next  t'  listenin'  t'  somebuddy  describin'  a 
play  ther  hain't  nothin'  as  tiresome  as  waitin' 
fer  a  parade. 


Next  t'  a  city  th'  loneliest  place  in  th'  world 
when  you're  broke  is  among  relatives. 


Why  don't  th'  florists  set  aside  a  day  each 
year  fer  father? 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


It's  jest  like  havin'  some  one  return  from 
th'  grave  t'  have  a  daughter  come  home,  from 
a  canoe  ride. 


Th'  only  thing  t'  do  these  days  is  t'  be  sure 
you  waive  your  rights  thien  go  ahead. 


Tell  Binkley  says  he  alius  hates  t'  motor 
thro'  a  dry  town  on  account  o'  th'  broken  beer 
bottles. 


Lots  o'  us  pretend  t'  be  out  when  we're 
really  all  in. 


Ther  hain't  much   excuse   fer  makin'  mis- 
takes in  figures  these  days. 


It's  what  a  feller  thinks  he  knows  that  hurts 
him. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


H 


Stands  fer  hosiery,  bold,  flashy  an'  thin, 
If  I  had  t'  make  th^  world  better  I'd 
know  where  t'  begin. 


Some  folks  go  clean  thro'  life  without  findin' 
a  becomin'  hat. 


It  takes  th'  average  boy  or  girl  two  years  t' 
settle  down  after  makin'  a  hit  in  a  amateur 
show. 


Tell  Binkley  wuz  found  in'liis  office  t'day 
on  account  o'  water  in  th'  carbureter. 


Nobuddy  has  ever  been  turned  down  yit 
that  started  out  t'  borrow  trouble. 

ss 

Clemmie  Pash  has  a  diplomy,  but  no  job. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

Pinky  Kerr  says  you  don't  have  t'  be  an  epi- 
cure t*  know  that  an  occasional  roast  is  better 
than  a  daily  stew. 


What's  become  o'  th'  feller  who  used  t'  lick 
his  se-gar  from  one  end  t'  th'  other  before  he 
lit  it? 


Don't  worry  when  your  boy  leaves  th'  farm. 
He'll  be  back. 


Tell  Binkley  is  back  from  Californy  an', 
like  ever'buddy  else,  he'd  like  t'  live  there — if 
he  had  a  million  dollars. 


An  amateur  theatrical  is  alius  good  fer  two 
or  three  weddin's. 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Th'  Hen  Egg 

By  Miss  Germ  Williams 

Th'  hen  egg  plays  a  most  important  part 
in  th'  great  melodrama  o'  life.  No  recipe 
is  complete  without  from  one  t'  six  eggs. 
No  shampoo  is  complete  without  th'  softenin' 
influence  of  at  least  one  egg.  A  cook  is  power- 
less without  eggs.  Th'  breakfast  table  looks 
cold  an'  uneventful  without  th'  warm  golden 
orbs  of  a  few  upturned  eggs.  Ther  is  no  un- 
derstudy fer  th'  egg.  An  egg  may  be  fresh, 
strictly  fresh,  guaranteed  or  laid  in  Aprile  an' 
on  parole.  Ther  are  gilt-edged  firsts  and  ordi- 
nary firsts.  An'  then  we  have  th'  smooth 
plausible  lookin'  egg  that  turns  up  after  bein' 
lost  fer  years. 

In  spite  o'  all  th'  advancement  in  th'  culinary 
art  ther's  nothin'  that  touches  th'  spot  like 
ham  an'  eggs.    Th'  average  feller  enters  a  cafe ' 
or  resturint  with  only  two  thoughts — ^ham  an' 
eggs. 

When  sickness  enters  th'  home  an'  th'  pa- 
tient is  tenderly  nursed  through  th'  crisis  an' 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


finally  propped  up  with  pillows  in  th'  bay 
window  t'  spend  th'  convalescent  period  those 
near  an*  dear  tempt  him  with  choice  viands. 
But  with  his  first  returnin'  strength  he  wearily 


TH'    MORNIN'    MEAL  ON  TH'    FARM. 

turns  his  lustreless  eyes  an'  looks  wistfully 
toward  th'  dining'  room  door  an'  says, 
"Mother,  I  believe  I  could  worry  down  an 
egg." 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


T'day  ther  is  ever'  inducement  fer  a  hen  t' 
lay.    Th'  poultry  medicine  chest  is  filled  with 
concoctions  t'  keep  her  in  th'  mood.    Her  food 
is  even  prepared  along  scientific  lines  an'  con- 
tains all  th'  makin's  o'  a  first-class  egg.     All 
\     th'  hen  is  expected  t'  do  is  to  assemble  'em. 
Th'  modern  hen  house  is  constructed  in  th' 
most  approved  fashion  with  reversible  roostin' 
j    accommodations,    clean    airy    nests,    sanitary 
drinkin'     fountains     an'     perfect    ventilation. 
1    Even  th'  windows  are  so  arranged  that  th' 
\    light  falls  over  th'  hen's  left  shoulder.    Yet  th' 
i.   ole  fashioned  farmers  with  th'  ole  fashioned 
V  hens  fetch  all  th'  eggs  t'  town. 

T'  th'  husband  who  is  often  left  t'  his  own 
resources  ther  is  no  friend  like  th'  egg. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  is  confined  t'  her  home 
by  an  unsprightly  liver. 


A  house  divided  agin  itself  is  bad  enough, 
(      but  a  skirt  is  th'  limit. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


If  th'  average  woman  paid  as  much  attention 
t'  an  ugly  disposition  as  she  does  to  an  ugly 
complexion  ther  wouldn'  be  so  many  men  on 
th'  street  after  supper. 


Some  fellers  are  naturally  quiet,  some  ddnH 
want  t'  start  anything  an'  some  talk  freely 
when  they  git  better  acquainted,  but  as  a  rule 
a  close  mouthed  feller  is  hampered  fer  in- 
formation. 


No  woman  cares  how  much  her  husband 
stays  away  from  home  in  th'  daytime. 


Th'  more  a  feller  really  amounts  to  th'  worse 
his  clothes  fit. 


We'd  all  like  t'  vote  fer  th'  best  man,  but 
he's  never  a  candidate. 

(10) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


I 


Stands  fer  Indian,  "Umph,  me  kill  'em!" 
Th*  only  good  red  man  is  th'  one  in  th'  film. 


H 


After  a  girl  gits  too  big  fer  Santy  Claus  she 
begins  t'  cast  around  fer  an  easy  mark. 


A   woman   is   never   satisfied   unless   she's 
puttin'  confidence  in  somebuddy. 


Th'  election  hain't  very  fer  off  when  a  can- 
didate kin  recognize  you  across  th'  street. 


If  ther  wuz  only  some  shorter  an'  more 
direct  route  t'  th'  devilit  would  save  an  awful 
lot  o'  sorrow  an'  anxiety  in  this  world. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Farmin' 

By  Young  Lafe  Bud 

Th'  day  is  not  fer  distant  when  th*  irksome 
duties  o'  th*  farm  will  be  minimized  t'  such  a 
degree  that  they  will  in  no  way  interfere  with 
croquet  an'  motorin'. 


FREE   FROM    HEARTLESS    COMPETITION. 

Th'  exodus  f rom^  th'  fields  t'  th'  cities  is  do- 
in'  much  t'  cut  down  th'  operatin'  expenses  o' 
th'  farm.  Agriculture,  unlike  other  profes- 
sions, will  never  be  overcrowded  on  account 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


o'  th'  plowin',  an'  those  who  are  left  behind 
will  eventually  enjoy  a  monopoly  o*  th'  food 
producin'  business  o'  th'  country.  T'day  a 
farmer  may  enjoy  Argentine  beef  without  feel- 
in'  like  he  is  robbin*  himself.  With  th'  cur- 
rency question  out  o'  th'  road  an'  so  many  in- 
ventions under  way  fer  motor  driven  an'  self 
operatin'  implements  th'  farmer  may  well  be 
happy  in  th'  prospects  of  a  fer  greater  return 
fer  less  work  in  th'  future.  Th'  dawn  o'  a  new 
era  is  gittin'  in  shape  an'  th'  long  delayed  day 
is  jest  around  th'  corner  when  ther'll  be  nothin' 
t'  do  on  th'  farm  but  dress  fer  town. 


A  high  brow  concert  alius  has  a  rag  time 
audience. 


Most  o'  th'  studyin'  is  done  out  o'  college. 

All  th'  red  in  a  girl's  face  seems  to  settle 
in  her  nose  on  a  cold  day. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Mame  Moon  says  that  any  buddy  who  kin 
live  with  anything  as  conceited  as  th'  average 
man  kin  be  intrusted  with  th'  ballot. 


Th'  only  thing  around  a  hut-tel  that  hain't 
got  a  second-hand  value  is  a  cold  buckwheat 
cake. 


Th'  feller  who  used  t'  kick  'cause  th'  steak 
wuz  tough  now  complains  because  th'  turnips 
are  pethy. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  tryin'  t'  git  up  a 
boss  show  fer  her  new  dress. 


Miss  Imogene  Pash  is  one  o'  the  pop'lar 
East  End  debutantes  who  expects  to  marry 
Mr.  Clarence  Bud  durin'  th'  holiday  season. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


J 


Stands  fer  Jack,  who  in  lovetale  or  song, 
Is   a  handsome  big  loafer,  romantic   an' 
strong. 


9S 


It's  never  too  late  t'  git  another  week  out  a 
blue  serge  suit. 


The  fool  killer  seems  t'  be  gittin'  further 
back  on  his  orders  all  th'  time. 


Ther's  many  competin'  lines  t'  bankrupsy 
an'  yit  it's  almost  impossible  t'  git  a  seat. 


Seems  like  most  folks  take  a  cold  bath  ever' 
mornin'  jest  t'  tell  it. 

9S 
A  hustler  never  complains. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Who  really  remembers  th'  side  laced  shoes 
th'  women  folks  used  t'  wear? 


Ther  hain't  nothin'  a  woman  likes  t*  do 
better'n  t'  try  on  $50  hats  while  th'  clerk  is 
lookin'  up  her  husband's  credit  fer  a  $2  one. 


Next  t'  Ford  cars  ther'  seems  t'  be  more 
charmin'  hostesses  than  anything  else. 


Tell  Binkley  says  that  one  good  thing  about 
a  auto  is  that  you  kin  save  enough  while  it's 
out  o'  commission  t'  pay  fer  th'  repairs. 


Tilford  Moots,  who  has  been  waitin*  fer 
President  Wilson  t'  make  a  blunder,  has  gone 
back  t'  work  at  th'  saw  mill. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


How  t'  Live  Happily  Ever  Afterward 

By  Mrs.  Tipton  Bud 

Ere  th'  roses  o*  June  have  spent  ther  fra- 
grance an'  scattered  ther  petals  t'  th'  summer 
breezes  many  a  bride  an'  groom  will  have  re- 
turned from  Pendleton  "an'  other  eastern 
cities"  with  love's  fondest  illusions  shattered. 

Rev.  Wiley  Tanger  says  marriage  is  an 
achievement.  It  prob'ly  is  an  achievement  t' 
round  up  some  girls,  an'  it  may  be  somethin' 
closely  resemblin'  an'  achievement  t'  hypnotize 
some  fellers  an'  railroad  'em  t'  th'  altar.  But 
the  plain,  ever'  day  Niagry  Falls  marriage  kin 
hardly  be  called  an  achievement  any  more 
than  fallin'  over  a  wheelbarrow  in  th'  dark  an' 
escapin'  with  your  life.  Fer  a  man  an'  wife  t' 
find  'emselves  settin'  on  th'  verandy  in  th' 
twilight  o'  life  in  complete  harmony  with  'em- 
selves  an'  th'  world  after  bein'  harnessed 
t'gether  fer  fifty  years  is  an  achievement. 

Th'  reason  nine-tenths  o'  th'  marriages  come 

nearer  bein'  calamities  than  achievements  is 

I  because  at  th'  very  moment  a  young  couple 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


begin  t'  set  ther  caps  fer  each  other  they  begin 
t'  disguise  ther  real  natures.  They  try  t'  make 
ther  tastes  an'  preferences  an'  very  thoughts 
conform.    They  pretend  t'  study  each  other's 


•DON'T  SPEND   YOUR    MONEY    FOOLISHLY." 

every  wish.  "Do  you  like  my  hair  this  way?" 
or  "What  kind  of  a  hat  would  you  git?"  or  "I 
don't  care  fer  ice  cream  if  you  don't."  Some- 
times a  couple  '11  stall  an'  fourflush  an'  lie  t' 

[U] 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


one  another  fer  o'er  a  year,  or  until  she  feels 
that  they're  perfectly  matched.  Then  she'll 
say,  "I  don't  want  you  t'  spend  your  money  on 
me,  Albert,"  which  is  jest  another  way  o'  say- 
in',  "We'll  need  it  after  we're  married."  After 
th'  weddin'  comes  th'  ole  time  honored  "If  I'd 
only  known"  o'  th'  wife,  an'  "If  I  wuz  only 
single  agin' "  o'  th'  husband. 

Some  married  couples  are  tactful  enough  t' 
hold  t'gether,  others  split  up,  some  arbitrate, 
some  keep  on  fourflushin'  in  public  an'  fightin' 
at  home,  while  those  who  have  been  on  th' 
level  from  th'  time  they  first  met  live  happily 
ever  afterward  because  they  knew  jest  what 
they  were  gittin'. 

A  husband  or  wife  should  have  some  occa- 
sional diversion  outside  th'  home.  If  possible 
such  diversion  should  be  enjoyed  hand  in 
hand,  thereby  disarmin'  unfavorable  comment 
an'  at  th'  same  time  relievin'  th'  husband  from 
eatin'  at  th'  Busy  Bee. 

June  is  not  only  th'  weddin'  month  but  also 
th'  month  o'  strawberries.  Many  a  marriage 
that  seemed  t'  have  all  th'  ear  marks  o'  smooth 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


sailin'  has  been  unceremoniously  wrecked 
when,  scarcely  out  o*  th'  bay,  th'  young  un- 
suspectin'  husband  has  been  confronted  by  his 
wife's  first  strawberry  short  cake. 


I  don't  think  much  of  a  dance  where  th*  girl 
looks  like  she  wuz  bein'  carried  out  of  a  burnin' 
buildin'. 


It  ought  t'  please  th'  joy  riders  t'  know  that 
hell's  paved. 


There's  alius  plenty  o'  room  in  th'  wrong 
car. 


A  friend  when  you're  goin'  t'  seed  is  a  friend 
indeed. 


Ther's  too  many  folks  o'  limited  means  who 
think  that  nothin's  too  good  fer  'em. 


A  B  E      MARTIN'S 


K 


Stands  fer  kimono,  a  flowered  housegown, 
It's  all  right  fer  th'  home,  but  don't  ven- 
ture downtown. 


It's  funny  a  woman  don't  shut  a  car  door 
once  in  a  while  without  thinkin'. 


Oh,  fer  th'  good  ole  times  when  a  feller 
could  hold  his  head  up  in  a  community  with- 
out havin'  his  clothes  pressed  three  times  a 
week. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  she  don't  know 
whether  t'  remain  single  or  go  t'  DePauw 
University. 


Housework  an'  fresh  air  used  t'  turn  out 
some  purty  good  lookin*  women. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  mother 
who  wuz  alius  talkin'  about  somebuddy  bein* 
?full  o'  th'  ole  Harry"? 


Jest  because  a  candidate  kin  place  you  while 
he's  runnin'  fer  office  it's  no  sign  he  kin  do  it 
after  he's  elected. 


It  seems  like  th'  surest  an'  easiest  way  t* 
live  a  long  while  is  jest  t'  be  downright  worth- 
less. 


Th'  intelligence  of  a  family  is  very  fre- 
quently in  th'  wife's  name  even  if  father  does 
look  after  th'  votin'. 


Some  fellers  idea  o'  bein'  public  spirited  is 
havin'  ther  hair  trimmed  once  a  week. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Songs  o'  T'day 

By  Miss  Mame  Moon 

When  I  stand  idly  by  an'  watch  th'  tango 
er  set  thro'  a  modern  problem  play  I  can't  help 
thinkin'  how  fer  we've  traveled  since  th'  days 
when  th'  mere  mention  o'  "The  Black  Crook" 
caused  th'  ole  time  mother  t'  turn  purple  with 
shame.  Jest  think  o'  th'  hug,  kiss  an'  cuddle 
songs  o'  t'day  an'  th'  dear  ole  ballads  o'  yis- 
terday — songs  like  "Only  a  Pansy  Blossom," 
"Ther's  a  Letter  in  th'  Candle,"  "Meet  Me  by 
Moonlight  Alone,"  "Molly  Darlin', "  "Sweet 
Genevieve,"  "My  Ole  Kentucky  Home," 
"Sweet  Violets,"  "Suwanee  River,"  an'  "In  th' 
Gloamin',  Oh,  My  Darlin'."  Th'  ole  songs  in- 
spired sentiment  an'  patriotism — they  were 
songs  that  brought  out  th'  best  that  wuz  ,in 
us,  ballads  that  caused  burnin'  tears  an' 
aroused  tender  emotions. 

After  th'  ole  time  beau  listened  t'  a  couple  o' 
verses  o'  "In  th'  Gloamin',"  or  "Take  Back 
Your  Heart,"  his  brain  whirled  with  lofty 
thoughts   an'  he  wuz  perfectly  safe  t'  have 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


around.  Ther's  nothin'  about  "Sweet  Gene- 
vieve" or  "Silver  Threads,"  or  any  o'  th'  ole 
songs,  t'  inspire  home  wreckin*. 


OE8ECRATIN'  A   PARLOR. 


T'day  our  parlors  are  thrown  open  t'  an  ap- 
pallin*  list  o'  "tremendous  metropolitan  hits" 
an*  no  questions  are  asked.  Fer  instance: 
(Allegro  Moderate.)  ' 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


"Most  ever'  feller  meets  a  girl  some  day, 
Some  little  girl  who  steals  his  heart  away. 
You   leave   your    dearest   friends   t'   take   th' 

girlie  home, 
Give  up  all  you  own  t'  be  alone. 
You've  got  a  chance  t'  press  her  t'  your  heart, 
But  you've  just  met  th'  girl  an'  you're  afraid 

to  start. 
Ther's  your  parlor,  lights  are  low, 
If  you  had  any  sense  you  ought  t'  know — 

(Chorus) 

All  th'  time  she's  waitin'  fer  you  t'  hold  her. 

All  th'  time  she's  hopin'  you'll  get  bolder. 

All  th'  time,  all  th'  time,  —  she's    waitin'    fer 

some  kissin'. 
Oh  boy !  Oh  boy !  look  at  th'  fun  you're  missin'. 
All  th'  time  she's  givin'  you  chances 
But  you  never  make  a  move  or  show  a  sign. 
She's  gittin'  closer  inch  by  inch, 
If  you  move  over  it's  a  cinch. 
She's  waitin  fer  you  t'  love  her  all  th'  time." 

Here's  th'  chorus  of  another  "terrific  hit" 
that's  findin'  instant  favor  in   our  most  ex- 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


elusive  homes.  It  is  full  o*  inspiration  an'  de- 
signed especially  t'  cause  th'  average  youth  t' 
spring  upon  his  prey  long  ere  th'  last  line  o' 
th'  chorus  has  died  away: 

"Come  up  t'night  my  honey,  come  up  t'night, 

Whistle  so  I'll  know  it's  you  (whistle) 

Come  up  t'night  an'  wear  your  love  makin' 

clothes 
An'  I'll  find  a  cozy  corner  nobuddy  knows." 

Here's  another  sample  illustrative  of  what  is 
termed  a  "parlor  hit"  an'  it's  enough  t'  make  a 
se-gar  Indian  topple  from  grace: 

"Hoo  ray!  Hoo  ray!     I'm  eighteen  years  ole 
t'day  an'  have  never  been  kissed. 

Ma  tells  me  I'm  old  enough, 

Pa  tells  me  I'm  bold  enough, 
So  put  your  arms  around  me  I  insist." 

Is  your  daughter  singin'  th'  reignin'  hits  o' 
th'  day  while  some  buddin'  Lothario  sets  un- 
handcuffed  in  th'  same  room? 


[12] 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


L 


stands  fer  love,  weVe  all  been  imbued; 
'Tis   better   t'   have   loved  an'   lost  than 
never  tVe  been  sued. 


Ther's  all  kinds  o'  wives,  includin'  the  one 
that's  alius  wantin'  t'  move  t'  another  town. 


A  pessimist  is  usually  a  feller  that  haint  got 
th'  goods. 


If  ever'buddy  wuz  as  pleasant  as  th'  feller 
that's  tryin'  t'  skin  you  wouldn'  this  be  a  swell 
world? 


I  never  knowed  a  successful  man  that  could 
quote  poetry. 


Some  folks  jest  seem  t'  thrive  on  adverse 
criticism. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


It  used  t-be  a  common  sight  t'  see  a  feller 
in  ordinary  circumstances  greasin'  his  saw 
with  a  bacon  rind. 


Anybuddy  that's  got  time  t'  read  half  of  th' 
new  books  has  got  entirely  too  much  time. 


Th'  feller  that  tells  a  good  story  alius  has 
t'  listen  t'  a  couple  o'  poor  ones. 


Th'  less  a  feller  deserves  th'  keener  he  seems 
t'  feel  some  disappointment. 


Th'  store  keeper  who  don't  advertise  gen- 
erally has  a  circus  bill  hangin'  in  his  window 
thro'  th'  winter. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


How  soon  we  are  fergotten  while  we're  still 
here. 


Who  remembers  th*  ole  fashioned  cardamom 
seeds  a  feller  used  t*  chew  before  he  asked  a 
girl  t'  waltz  with  him? 


No  self-made  man  ever  did  such  a  good  job 
that  some  woman  didn'  want  t'  make  a  few 
alterations. 


I  wonder  what  ever  become  o'  th'  feller  who 
used  t'  have  a  friend  in  th'  country  who  gave 
him  a  turkey  ever'  Thanksgivin'. 


Ther's  nothin'  in  a  name,  an'  anybuddy  who 
has  ever  eaten  a  Ben  Davis  apple  knows  ther's 
nothin'  in  a  color. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Grreat  Men  o'  Humble  Origin 

By  Rev.  Wiley  Tanger 

Th'  population  o'  this  country  is  well  nigh 
ont'  ninety-three  million  an'  th'  boy  or  girl 
who  expects  t'  tunnel  t'  th'  front  thro'  this  wil- 
derness o'  humanity  must  possess  th'  qualities 
that  win.  What  are  th'  qualities  that  win? 
Energy  an'  thrift!  Standin'  in  front  o'  th' 
pustoffice  complainin'  about  Wilson  an'  knock- 
in'  Bryan  won't  buy  groceries.  Go  t'  work  at 
th'  first  thing  that  comes  along  an'  save  your 
money.  A  good  hod  carrier  soon  gits  some- 
thin'  better,  but  once  a  poor  hod  carrier  alius 
a  poor  hod  carrier.  I  speak  o'  hod  carryin'  be- 
cause it's  employment  in  every  sense  o'  th' 
word.  Become  proficient  in  whatever  you 
do  if  it's  only  drivin'  a'  dressed'  poultry  wag- 
on. Efficiency  means  promotion  an'  promo- 
tion means  better  livin'  conditions.  Ever'  suc- 
cessful man  o'  t'day  kin  remember  when 
a  two-cent  piece  looked  as  big  as  a  soda 
cracker.  Andy  Carnegie,  Tipton  Bud,  John 
Rockefeller,  Henry  C.  Frick,  Tilford  Moots  an' 


^ 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Charley  Schwab  are  all  men  o'  humble  origin 
who  have  brushed  th'  snow  from  ther  pillows 
in  th'  days  o'  ther  youth.  Carnegie  wuz  a  tele- 
graph operator,  often  workin  twenty-four 
hours  straight  in  his  barefeet ;  Tipton  Bud  wuz 
a  barefooted  boy  in  Kokomo,  beggin'  a  banana 
from  each  one  he  met;  John  Rockefeller  wuz 
a  plain  clerk  behind  th'  counter  where  his  feet 
could  not  be  seen;  Tilford  Moots  plowed  in 
his  bare  feet,  sometimes  on  circus  day — even 
missin'  th'  parade.  Charley  Schwab,  o'  th' 
steel  trust,  stood  around  th'  forge  in  his  bare 
feet,  often  steppin'  on  a  hot  slug;  Henry  C. 
Frick,  th*  steel  magnate,  blew  stumps  on  his 
father's  farm  before  he  worked  up  t'  his  first 
pair  o'  boots.  Tell  Binkley  is  another  member 
o'  th'  ole  barefoot  squad  who  wuz  well  ont' 
forty  years  ole  before  he  tasted  his  first  lobster. 
Biography  records  scarcely  a  better  example 
o'  industry  an'  economy  leadin'  ther  possessor 
out  o'  th'  most  unpropitious  circumstances  t' 
honor  an'  affluence.  Tell  Binkley's  father 
could  drink  or  leave  it  alone  so  he  soon  went 
t*  work,  walkin'  fourteen  miles  t'  his  task  an' 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


carryin*  his  dinner,  which  consisted  of  a  cold 
buckwheat  cake. 

This  is  th'  age  o*  opportunity  an'  ther  is  no 
excuse  fer  anybody  playin'  pool  in  th'  day- 


PLOWIN'   ON    CIRCUS   DAY. 


time.  Indulgent  parents  are  th'  worst  hand- 
icap a  boy  kin  have  next  t'  a  fondness  fer  ath- 
letics. Work  is  th'  natural  exercise.  Nobuddy 
kin  talk  as  bitterly  agin  our  economic  system 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


as  th'  feller  who's  savin  up  fer  a  vacation.  So 
begin  early  t'  toil  an'  save,  rememberin'  alius 
that  ther's  plenty  o'  time  t'  git  married  after 
you  git  on  a  payin'  basis. 

Remember,  too,  that  next  t'  whittlin'  ther's 

/  nothin'   as   demoralizin'   an'   tissue   dryin'   as 

(  sowin*  wild  oats. 


Many  a  family  tree  needs  trimmin'. 


Jack  Frost  is  th'  originator  o'  th'  loose  leaf 
system. 


Ther  has  never  been  any  question  about  th' 
fact  that  th'  horse  must  go. 


Why  does  a  middle  aged  couple  with  no 
children  alius  build  a  fourteen-room  house? 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


You  kin  fool  part  o'  th'  people  all  th'  time, 
an'  all  o'  th'  people  part  o'  th*  time — but  not  on 
a  last  year's  straw  hat. 


If  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  plain,  common,  ever'day 
folks  who  pay  cash,  it  wouldn'  be  possible  t' 
conduct  any  kind  o'  business. 


In  th'  good  ole  days  o'  chivalry  an'  Hoyt's 
German  Cologne  ever'  feller  gave  his  girl  a 
copy  o'  "Lucile"  fer  Christmus. 


We  often  hear  o'  corporations  layin'  off 
men,  but  nobuddy  ever  heard  o'  them  cuttin' 
any  salaries. 


Give  an'  fergit. 

[18] 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


M 


Stands  fer  money,  root  of  evil  an'  vice, 
However,  nothin*  succeeds  like  havin' 
th'  price. 


When  some  distasteful  feature  o'  house- 
keepin'  is  mentioned  ther's  alius  some  feller 
who  says,  "I  let  my  wife  look  after  everything 
like  that/' 


A  screen  door  spring  is  about  th'  only  thing 
that  works  too  good. 


Never  have  a  front  view  photergraph  taken 
unless  you  want  t'  look  like  you'd  been  caught 
in  a  graft  net. 


Even  folks  who  are  used  to  sayin',  "Oh, 
what's  the  difference,  we  only  live  once,  any- 
how?" hate  t'  pay  forty  cents  fer  eggs. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  First  Robin 

By  Bx-Bditur  Cale  Pluhart 

There's  three  kinds  o'  spring  —  forward, 
backward  an'  th'  plain  almanack  variety,  which 
arrives  with  th'  vernal  equinox  on  th'  twenty- 
first  day  o'  March,  rain  or  snow. 

Ther's  many  harbingers  o'  spring  which  are 
regarded  as  bein'  absolutely  trustworthy  signs 
that  th'  season  which  we  long  fer  is  comin' 
soon."  Wild  geese  flyin'  north,  marble  playin', 
blue-eyed  violets  peepin'  out  o'  th'  slush,  th' 
robin,  th'  shaggy  umbreller  mender  with  th' 
workhouse  palor,  th'  candidate  fer  sheriff  with 
his  fresh  hair  cut,  an'  th'  display  o'  onion  sets, 
winter  elbows  an'  garden  tools — all  are  looked 
upon  as  bein'  unmistakable  evidence  that  win- 
ter is  beatin'  a  hasty  retreat. 

While  we're  liable  t'  burn  more  coal  after 
th'  arrival  o'  th'  first  robin  than  we've  burned 
since  he  took  his  departure,  he's  still  th'  most 
highly  regarded  forecaster  o'  th'  vernal  season 
in  th'  business. 

Th'  political  candidate  has  been  fooled  so 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


often  by  th*  first  robin  that  he  withholds  his 
activities  till  th'  umbreller  mender  shows  up 
an'  th'  frost  is  out  o'  th'  court  house  steps  an' 
it's  balmy  enough  t'  lean  agin  th'  pustoffice. 
We  rarely  have  any  sleighin'  after  th'  am- 
bitious office  seeker  gits  his  neck  shaved  an' 
his  cards  printed. 

But  t'  return  t'  th'  first  robin.  Nature,  in 
spite  o'  her  celebrated  reputation  fer  lookin' 
out  fer  ever'buddy,  seems  t'  have  given  th'  rob- 
in th'  worst  of  it.  Unequipped  fer  anything 
colder  than  30  above,  he's  more  frequently  th' 
forecaster  of  a  blizzard  than  th'  dandelion.  Un- 
gressive  an'  meek,  he'd  sooner  starve  than 
question  th'  priority  o'  th'  English  sparrow. 
Th'  only  thing  a  robin  '11  attack  is  th'  blind, 
helpless,  squirmin'  angle  worm.  Yit  nature 
sends  him  north  a  full  four  weeks  before  the 
angle  worm  is  available.  Utterly  lackin'  in  th' 
instinct  t'  keep  away  from  his  natural  enemies 
he  invariably  selects  a  buildin'  site  within  easy 
reach  o'  th'  family  cat,  or  in  th'  roof  gutter, 
where  he  an'  his  family  fall  an  easy  prey  t'  th* 
April  freshet. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


But  th'  amount  o'  publicity  th'  first  robin 
gits  is  enough  t'  make  th'  Colonel  turn  green 
with  envy.     He's  th'  only  bird  that  gits  his 


TH'   ARRIVAL  O'  TH'    FIRST  ROBIN    FROM  GREENSBORO, 
NORTH   CAROLINA. 


name  on  th'  editorial  page.  Long  before  he 
gits  fairly  balanced  on  th'  bare  twig  of  an 
apple  tree  his  arrival  is  heralded  broadcast  by 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


th'  nearest  newspaper  an'  discussed  in  every 
home. 

How  many  times  have  we  drawn  th'  curtain 
in  th'  mornin'  an'  looked  out  upon  a  bleak, 
snowy  landscape  an*  beheld  th'  first  robin  with 
a  sad  fer  away  look  in  his  eye,  an'  wonderin' 
what  kind  of  a  meteorological  disturbance  na- 
ture WU2  goin  t'  hand  him  next. 

Napoleon,  standin'  on  th'  barren,  slaty  bluffs 
o'  St.  Helena,  lookin'  gloomily  out  o'er  a  vast 
expanse  o'  speckless  sea,  didn'  have  anything 
on  th'  first  robin. 


Ever'  once  in  a  while  we  miss  a  nuisance, 
an'  then  find  out  he's  got  a  political  job. 


Remember  when  your  big  sister  used  t' 
write  you  an  excuse  t'  stay  out  o'  school  'f 
you'd  promise  t'  build  a  fire  in  the  parlor  stove 
Sunday  afternoon?. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


A  boy  never  begins  t'  appreciate  his  mother 
till  his  father  tells  him  t'  go  t'  work. 


It  seems  like  it's  impossible  for  a  girl  t'  get 
through  life  without  wastin'  a  lot  o'  valuable 
time  on  some  handsome  fool. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  went  up  t'  Indynoplus 
t'  see  "Th'  Garden  o'  Allah"  last  night.  She 
says  ther  wuzn'  anybuddy  settin'  behind  her 
that  had  seen  th'  play  in  Chicago,  but  ther  wuz 
a  woman  in  front  o'  her  who  had  read  th'  book 
in  Seymour. 


Some  fellers  think  they're  gittin'  off  easy  by 
givin'  ther  wives  everything  they  want. 


When  a  woman  says  somethin'  wouldn'  sur- 
prise her  much  she  means  it  would  please  her. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


N 


Stands  fer  Nancy,  an'  ole  fashioned  name 
That's  been  supplanted  by  Ethyl,  EUyn, 
Edythe  an'  Mayme. 


When  a  woman  says  "they  say"  she  means 
herself. 


All  th'  world's  a  film  an'  most  of  us  are 
merely  cowboys  an'  Indians. 


None  but  th'  brave  kin  live  with  th'  fair. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  grocer  that 
blew  in  th'  sack? 


Th'  day  has  gone  by  when  you  have  t'  invite 
anybuddy  t'  dinner  twice. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Toadyin'  After  th'  Great 

By  Miss  Fawn  Llppincut 

"Ze  thing  about  your  Amerika  which  im- 
presses me  ze  most  is  ze  great  army  o'  bores 
— let  me  see — hero  worshippers,  I  think  you 
call  'em — that  camp  on  ze  trail  o'  ze  great," 
said  Signor  Antone  Colorado  Maduro,  th'  cele- 
brated Icelandic  accordion  player,  while  hidin' 
in  a  box  stall  at  th'  livery  stable  t'  avoid  th'  en- 
tertainment committee  o'  th'  Ladies  Art  So- 
ciety. "In  no  other  country  in  ze  world  have 
I  found  so  many — let  me  see — toadies  I  think 
you  call  'em — as  I  find  in  your  Amerika.  They 
no  let  me  sleep!  They  no  let  me  walk!  It's 
ze  tea,  ze  dance,  ze  reception  an'  ze  luncheons. 
I  no  take  a  bath.  See,  my  beard  has  grown 
beyond  my  control !  I  can  no  shave !  I  shake 
ze  hands  an'  eat  all  ze  time!  My  stomach  no 
good!  It's — let  me  see — all  shot  t'  pieces  I 
think  you  call  it!" 

Th'  craze  t'  be  mixed  up  in  some  way  or 
other  with  th'  great  an'  almost  great  has  about 
reached  th'  limit  in  this  country.    In  time  th' 

[14] 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


fad  will  drive  our  own  great  celebrities  abroad, 
as  well  as  discourage  those  o*  Europe  from 
seekin*  laurels  an'  other  things  among  us. 
Real  celebrities  want  t'  be  let  alone.    Great 


ON  TH'  TRAIL  OF   A   CELEBRITY 


speakers  an'  musicians  an'  statesmen  an'  actors 
an'  actresses  must  rest  an'  bathe  an'  shave  jest 
like  paperhangers  an'  lawyers  an'  other  folks. 
If  great  people  didn'  need  th'  money  an'  pub- 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Hcity  they  wouldn'  stand  a  minute  fer  th'  aver- 
age celebrity  trailer.  It  seems  t'  be  as  much  a 
part  o'  th'  contract  o'  a  celebrity  t'  stand  fer 
bein'  bored  all  th'  time  as  it  is  fer  em  t*  play 
or  sing  or  speak. 

What  a  tryin'  ordeal  it  must  be  fer  a  Nor- 
wegion  xyclophone  player,  or  a  Scandanavian 
*cellist,  or  a  Peruvian  pianist,  or  a  noted  expo- 
nent o'  altruism,  t'  be  surrounded  by  a  bunch 
o'  perfumed  an'  powdered  tea  pourers  while  he 
feels  th'  need  o'  a  bath,  or  a  shave,  or  a  steak 
with  onions. 

Some  celebrities,  o*  course,  travel  in  ther 
own  special  cars  an*  kin  sleep  an'  shave  while 
they  hide  on  a  side  track  in  th'  suburbs,  but 
they've  all  paid  th'  price  early  in  ther  careers. 

It's  great  fun  t'  watch  a  reception  commit- 
tee while  it  waits  fer  th'  train  bearin'  a  celeb- 
rity. Th'  plan  o'  attack  has  been  arranged  an' 
rehearsed  like  a  fire  drill.  Ever'  contingency 
is  provided  fer.  Th'  committee  huddles 
t'gether  with  grave  an'  sober  faces.  Each 
member  is  thoroughly  sensible  o'  his  great  re- 
sponsibility.    Each  thinks  only  o'  th'  part  he 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


is  t'  play.  Th'  occasional  click  o'  a  huntin' 
case  watch  is  all  that  disturbs  th'  quiet  vigil. 
Th'  committee  knows  its  business.  When  th' 
whistle  blows  it's  th'  signal  fer  th'  leadin'  hard- 
ware merchant  t'  crank  his  Ford  an*  have  it  in 
readiness.  Th'  leadin'  banker  an'  prominent 
pastor  move  t'  a  position  where  th'  coach  bear- 
in'  th'  celebrity  is  likely  t'  halt.  It  is  th'  pas- 
tor's business  t'  greet  th'  celebrity  an'  pass  his 
luggage  t'  th'  leadin'  banker.  At  this  juncture 
th'  mayor  who  has  remained  in  th'  offin'  walks 
forward  an'  extends  a  fat  damp  hand  an'  es- 
corts th'  party  t'  th'  Ford.  Then  th'  celebrity 
is  spirited  t'  th'  home  o'  a  prominent  club 
woman,  where  th'  committee  on  entertainment 
take  him  in  charge.  At  eight-ten  p.  m.,  after 
eatin'  an'  shakin  hands  an'  inspectin'  th'  new 
water  works  an'  th'  heatin  system  o'  K.  of  P. 
hall,  th'  celebrity  appears  pale  an'  exhausted 
fer  th'  evenin's  entertainment. 

Have  you  ever  noticed  that  th'  greater  a  cel- 
ebrity is  th'  later  he  arrives  in  town  an'  th' 
earlier  he  gits  out?  Next  t'  thunderous  ap- 
plause ther  haint  nothin'  a  really  great  eel- 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

ebrity  likes  better'n  gittin  out  o'  town  before 
his  audience  kin  recover  from  his  closin'  re- 
marks. 

Th'  penalty  fer  being  great  is  bein'  bored. 


What's  become  o'  th'  feller  who  used  t'  be 
willin'  t'  work  at  anything  till  somethin'  better 
come  along? 


Th'  only  time  some  fellers  are  ever  seen  with 
their  wives  is  after  they've  been  indicted. 


Ever'buddy  seems  t'  think  it's  funny  t'  be 
a  bad  speller. 


Who  ever  saw  a  woman  that  wuz  polite 
enough  t'  quit  talkin'  while  another  woman 
talked? 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


0 


Stands  fer  opery,  grand  opery,  you  know; 
Nobuddy  kin,  see  it,  but  a  few  of  us  go. 


Th'  feller  that  walks  th'  chalk  at  home  goes 
th'  limit  downtown. 


Some  folks  never  miss  a  show  or  pay  a  bill. 


Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  has  traded  a  cradle  fer  a 
foldin'  card  table. 


No  girl  is  ever  so  sure  of  a  feller's  love  that 
she'll  let  him  see  her  before  breakfast. 


Nearly  ever'  day  we  meet  somebuddy  who 
moved  t'  Floridy  once. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

Some  fellers  don't  let  their  wives  run  any- 
thing but  th'  furnace. 


Nothin'  makes  a  ugly  feller  as  mad  as  t'  have 
a  candidate  shake  hands  with  him  an'  say :  "I 
ought  t'  remember  your  face." 


It  don't  make  no  difference  where  you  wear 
your  heart  if  your  liver  is  out  o'  order. 


Th'  trouble  with  mixin'  business  with  pleas- 
ure is  that  th*  pleasure  alius  comes  t'  th'  top. 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  married  daughter 
up  t'  Indynoplus  has  aged  twenty  years  since 
payin'  two  dollars  t'  see  how  young  Lillian 
Russell  looks. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Gossip 

By  Miss  Tawney  Apple 

We  kin  fortify  ourselves  agin  a  burglar  er 
recover  from  a  cheap  plumber;  we  kin  flee  t' 
th'  mountain  an'  avoid  th'  flood  that  sweeps 
th'  lowlands  er  we  kin  muff  a  Wagner  recital, 
but  ther  is  positively  no  escape  from  a  gossip. 

"Ther  goes  Hattie  Moon  t'  th'  pustoffice 
agin  jist  as  fast  as  her  skirt'll  let  her.  It's  th' 
fifth  time  since  ten  o'clock.  Is  it  any  wonder 
decent  people  talk  about  her?"  said  Mrs.  Tip- 
ton Bud  t'  Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  this  mornin'. 
Th*  two  women  had  stopped  t'  exchange  re- 
ports on  Art  Simmons  an'  his  new  wife  an'  dis- 
cuss th'  possibility  o'  an  early  divorce. 

Now  th'  truth  is  Hattie  Moon  is  takin'  sten- 
ography by  mail  with  th'  intention  o'  support- 
in'  her  widowed  mother,  but  as  she  is  purty  an' 
stylish  th'  chances  are  she'll  have  t'  git  out  o' 
town.  Gittin'  talked  about  is  one  o'  th'  penal- 
ties fer  bein'  purty,  while  bein'  above  suspicion 
is  about  th'  only  compensation  fer  bein' 
homely. 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Ever*buddy  that  hears  a  little  dash  o*  gossip 
remounts  it  an'  burnishes  it  up  an'  sends  it  on 
its  way.    If  you  try  t'  head  it  off  you  only  stir 


"THER    SHE   Q0E8." 

it*up.  Nearly  ever'buddy  is  more  er  less  in- 
clined t',  gossip,  but  not  alius  maliciously. 
Folks  gossip  t'  be  interestin'.  Th'  fact  that 
Ike  Brown  is  a  model  husband  an  pays  his 

(15) 


ABE      MARTINIS 

debts  don't  interest  no  one.  Th'  fact  that  his 
wife  is  a  splendid  good  woman  has  no  news 
value.  But  if  you  intimate  that  Ike  Brown  is 
on  his  last  legs  er  that  his  wife  has  been  vis- 
itin'  her  mother  unusually  long  you  have  a 
crowd  around  you  in  a  minute.  Jist  whisper 
t'  some  friend  that  a  certain  woman  looks  un- 
happy an'  th'  card  clubs  '11  have  her  separated 
from  her  husband  in  a  week. 

An'  gossippin'  haint  confined  t'  women  an' 
little  towns.  Wherever  ther's  people  ther's 
gossip.  Clubs  are  clceirin'  houses  fer  gossip. 
Some  clubs  are  organized  fer  historical  re- 
search, some  are  organized  t'  better  social  con- 
ditions, some  are  organized  t'  combat  certain 
evils,  some  are  organized  t'  gamble  fer  stock- 
in's  an'  pottery  while  others  are  organized  fer 
purely  social  pleasure.  Yet  I  doubt  if  any- 
buddy  ever  attended  any  kind  o'  a  club  meetin' 
without  annexin'  a  little  information  o'  a  sen- 
sational nature. 

Nobuddy's  affairs  ever  demanded  so  much 
o'  ther  time  that  they  couldn'  give  a  little  at- 
tention t'  gossip.     It's  wonderful  how  much 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


capacity  some  folks  have — how  easily  they  kin 
watch  ever'  detail  o'  their  own  business  an* 
yours  too. 

A  long  nosed  model  housekeeper  kin  take 
her  sewin'  an'  pull  her  rockin'  chair  up  t'  a 
side  window  an'  see  more  thro'  a  pair  o'  ninety- 
eight-cent  lace  curtains  than  a  Scotland  Yard 
detective  could  find  out  in  a  year. 


Th'  richer  a  relative  is  th'  less  he  bothers 
you. 


Only  one  feller  in  ten  thousand  understands 
th'  currency  question,  an'  we  meet  him  ever' 
day. 


Lafe   Bud   takes   a   magazine   jest   fer   th* 
underwear  pictures. 


A 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


P 


Stands  fer  parlor,  with  no  light  but  th' 

grate, 
A  fat  powdered  daughter  an  a  pompa- 

doured  skate. 


se 


Steve  Dunston,  o'  th'  Tulip  Gazette,  an'  one 
o*  th'  best-known  film  critics  on  th'  flicker  cir- 
cuit, set  thro'  th'  first  two  laps  o'  th'  "Fatal 
Kiss"  at  Melodeon  Hall  last  evenin'. 


All  th'  world  loves  fried  mush. 


Folks  who  manufacture  things  out  o*  whole 
cloth  haint  worryin'  about  free  wool. 


Th'  feller  who  refuses  t'  neglect  his  business 
an'  foller  th'  crowd  is  called  a  grouch. 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Uncle  Lemuel  Moon  who  died  at  th'  poor 
farm  yisterday,  left  two  Floridy  orange  groves 
an'  a  guitar. 


Look  out  fer  th'  feller  who  kin  drive  a  car 
an'  talk  on  any  subject. 


Th'  feller  who  sleeps  till  9  a.  m.  might  as 
well  stay  in  bed. 


Lots  o'  fellers  think  a  home  is  only  good  t* 
borrow  money  on. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  girl  who 
had  sense  enough  t'  protect  her  wishbone  in 
th' winter  time? 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Th'  Liver 

By  Dr.  Mopps 

Th'  shameful  treatment  that  is  bein*  ac- 
corded th'  human  liver  in  this  day  an'  age  is 
a  reflection  on  our  boasted  civilization.  We're 
rushin'  ahead  unitin'  oceans,  reducin'  th'  tariff, 
passin'  currency  bills  an'  checkin'  hog  cholera 
while  th'  great  American  liver  struggles  along 
doin'  two  livers'  work  without  a  friend  in 
either  branch  o'  Congress. 

Th'  human  liver  (Swedish  LEFVER)  is  a 
large  light  maroon  colored  digestive,  gland 
about  the  size  of  a  catcher's  glove  that  reposes 
in  th'  upper  right  hand  corner  o'  th'  abdominal 
cavity  an',  when  conditions  are  as  they  should 
be,  it  weighs  one-fortieth  as  much  as  th'  body 
t'  which  it  is  attached.  It  is  th'  main  gazabo 
o'  th'  human  works  but,  notwithstandin'  th' 
important  role  it  plays  in  Qur  pursuit  o  'life, 
liberty  an'  happiness,  it  is  th'  most  abused, 
most  misconstrued,  most  ignored,  most  im- 
posed on,  most  neglected  an'  lied  about  organ 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


of  which  th'  medical  fraternity  has  any  knowl- 
edge. 

Next  t'  a  yeller  dog  ther  hain't  nothin'  that 


XV  ^"/: 


WHEN  TH»    LIVER    IS    HITTIN'    RIGHT 


responds  as  readily  t'  kindness  as  th'  human 

liver.    Prunes,  when  properly  stewed,  are  fine 

^    fer  th'  liver,  but  how  many  of  us  are  darin' 

enough  t*  ask  for  them?    We  occasionally  eat 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


an  apple  jest  t'  please  th*  liver,  but  we  rarely 
take  th'  liver  int*  our  confidence  when  we  at- 
tend a  Jefferson  Day  banquet.  We  are  not 
chummy  enough  with  th'  liver.  How  many 
of  us  have  any  knowledge  of  it's  plumbin'? 

A  feller's  disposition  is  regulated  by  his  liv- 
er. Th'  liver  is  th'  switchboard  o'  his  inclina- 
tions an'  impulses.  We  often  hear  it  said  of  a 
feller  that  he  entered  int'  this  er  that  with 
his  whole  heart.  It  wuz  his  whole  liver.  Most 
o'  th'  credit  that  goes  t'  th'  heart  rightfully 
belongs  t'  th'  liver. 

Some  fellers  are  very  lavish  till  ther  asked 
t'  do  somethin'  fer  ther  liver.  Next  t'  a  poor 
relative  ther  hain't  nothin'  they're  less  inter- 
ested in  than  ther  own  liver.  Some  girls 
laughin'ly  powder  over  a  liver  spot  on  ther 
cheek  without  ever  thinkin'  of  goin'  t'  th'  seat 
o'  th'  trouble. 

One  o'  th'  hardest  things  that  come  up  durin' 
th'  liver's  daily  routine  is  handlin'  a  large  steak 
after  its  owner  has  consumed  it  an'  sunken 
heavily  int'  an  easy  chair. 

When  th'  human  liver  (Latin  JECUR)  is 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


happily  situated  an*  th*  lines  leadin'  therefrom 
are  open  t'  traffic  ther  is  nothin'  that  looks  as 
bright  an'  beautiful  as  th*  world. 


Ther's   gittin'    t'   be   too   many   thirty-cent 
people  that  look  like  a  million  dollars. 


So  many  clerks  seem  t'  have  missed  their 
callin*. 


Some  folks  never  begin  t*  figure  till  ther's 
nothin'  t'  add. 


Keepin'  a  marriage  a  secret  must  be  a  good 
deal  like  hidin'  a  bass  drum. 


Lots  o'  fellers  are  not  known  by  th'  com- 
pany they  keep. 

(16) 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Q 


stands  fer  quack,  a  travelin'  M.  D., 
Room  fifty-seven  an'  consultation  free. 


A  optimist  is  often  a  feller  that  lives  fer 
t'day  an'  lets  his  grocer  take  care  o'  tomorrow. 


So  fer  I  haint  heard  o'  nobuddy  who  wants 
t'  stop  livin'  on  account  o'  th'  cost. 


Everything  comes  t'  him  who  waits  but  a 
loaned  book. 


What's   become   o'   th'   ole   fashioned   dog 
named  "Carlo"? 


Th'  worst  jolt  most  of  us  ever  git  is  when 
we  fall  back  on  our  own  resources. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


I've  never  yit  seen  a  big  fine  lookin'  athletic 
feller  that  didn'  either  have  a  soft  snap  or  wuz 
lookin'  fer  one. 


Ther's  no  secret  about  success.  Did  you 
ever  know  a  successful  man  that  didn'  tell  you 
all  about  it? 


Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  entertained  a  few 
neighbors  at  ther  home  last  evenin',  but  were 
soon  separated. 


Th'  reason  some  folks  don't  understand  th*" 
income  tax  is  because  they  can't  beat  it. 


When  we  watch  some  folks  eat  we  can't  help 
thinkin'  what  great  brickmasons  they'd  make 
— 'specially  if  ther's  some  apple  butter  on  th' 
table. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Popularity 

By  Ex-Editur  Cale  Fluhart 

Th*  trouble  with  most  men  an'  women  who 
chase  after  popularity  without  makin'  any  no- 
ticeable headway  is  that  ther  either  lackin'  in 
th*  peculiarities  o'  th*  genuine  or  money. 

Ther*s  two  kinds  o'  popularity — th'  real,  in- 
expensive, natural  finish,  or  uncommon  va- 
riety, an'  th'  smilin',  sniirkin',  flashy,  shim- 
merin'  short-lived  sort  which  depends  entirely 
\on  one's  willin'ness  t'  come  across. 

Th'  ultimate  obscurity  that  seems  t'  be  th' 
inevitable  fate  o'  all  who  have  known  th' 
glamor  of  a  brief,  wasteful  season  o*  popularity 
is  often  pathetic.  T'  be  suddenly,  or  even 
gradually,  torn  from  those  who  have  laughed 
at  your  jokes,  those  who  have  used  you  an' 
fattened  on  your  vanity,  those  who  have  got 
ahead  thro'  your  generosity  an'  those  who 
have  shown  you  a  good  time  no  matter  how 
much  it  cost  you,  is  one  o'  th'  common  an' 
pitiable  spectacles  o'  life. 

Look  at  th'  grand  ole  mansion  that  has  been 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

turned  int*  a  boardin*  house  because  it  no 
longer  met  th'  requirements  o'  th'  gay  throngs 
whose  laughter  once  shook  its  great  chande- 


HOLDIN'    HIS   FRIENDS. 


liers  from  ther  moorin's !  T'day  it  is  a  shrine 
fer  th'  forlorn  failures  o'  society — fruit  tree 
agents,  outcasts  an'  solicitors. 

How  many  people  do  you  know  who  were 


ABE      MARTINIS 

once  pop'lar  an'  who,  thro'  some  breach  o'  th' 
code  or  ill  luck  are  carryin'  th'  banner  t'day, 
frazzled  an'  fergotten? 

Popularity  is  fleetin'.  It  is  here  t'day  an' 
gone  t'morrow.  It  vanishes  before  sudden  ad- 
versity like  a  paper  dollar  on  Saturday  night. 
Popularity  is  like  a  babe.  It  must  be  ;iursed 
an'  cuddled  lest  it  withers  an'  fades.  As  it 
thrives  its  unkeep  increases. 

It's  as  hard  t'  build  up  a  long  neglected 
popularity  as  it  is  t'  put  a  run  down  hotel  back 
in  th'  game.  T'  keep  his  popularity  in  good 
runnin'  order  a  feller  should  be  a  nice  even 
tempered  goat  with  a  kind  word  an'  a  good 
se-gar  fer  all. 

Ever'  time  I  see  a  widely  pop'lar  feller  sur- 
rounded by  a  lot  o'  smilin  coyotes  I  alius  think 
o'  that  dear  ole  lyric,  "I'll  Love  You  When 
Your  Money's  Gone,  But  I'll  Not  Be  With 
You." 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


A  flirt  alius  thinks  one  good  turn  deserves 
another. 


If  ther  wuz  jist  some  way  t'  bridle  th'  energy     ' 
that's   wasted  knockin'   Secretary   Bryan   th' 
problem  o'  cheap  power  would  be  solved. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  talks  some  o'  startm' 
an  open  air  school  t'  teach  milk  men  how  t' 
write  with  ther  mittens  on. 


Th'  older  a  feller  gits  th*  less  he  wants  t' 
take  a  sleigh  ride. 

No  feller  wuz  ever  so  pop'lar  at  home  that 
he  didn'  have  t'  go  out  o'  town  fer  his  fame. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


R 


Stands  fer  rotten,  which  seems  t'  express 
Our  thoughts  when  we're  trimmed  by  a 
"New  York  success". 


It's  wonderful  what  a  run  ther  is  on  worry 
when  you  consider  that  it  never  helped  any- 
thing. 


Th*  hardest  thing  about  bein'  a  aviator  is 
knowin'  when  t'  quit. 


Folks  in  a  little  town  don't  worry  half  as 
much  about  ther  pustmaster's  qualifications  t' 
run  his  office  as  they  do  about  his  wife's  ability 
t'  gossip. 


Steaks  are  rarer,  while  th'  consumer  con- 
tinues to  be  well  done. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Next  t*  a  yeller  buggy  whip  with  a  blue  rib- 
bon tied  t*  it  ther  haint  nothin'  that  looks  as 
good  t'  a  country  boy  as  a  street  car  conductor. 


Ever'  time  I  read  where  some  woman  gave 
a  "short  talk"  I  wonder  how  she  stopped.  / 


Next  t'  a  painter  climbin'  around  on  a 
scafiFold  ther  haint  nothin'  as  cute  an'  cunnin' 
as  a  parrot. 


When   I   look  at   some  rich   folks   I   don't 
blame  fortune  fer  smilin'. 


You  don't  have  t'  be  on  th'  water  wagon  t' 
notice  th'  days  gittin'  longer. 

1171 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Lafe  Bud  says  marriage  wouldn'  be  so  bad 
if  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  few  weeks  each  year  when 
it's  too  cool  t'  send  your  wife  t'  Michigan  an' 
too  warm  t'  send  her  t'  Floridy. 


I  don't  believe  baked  beans  have  an  enemy 
in  th'  world. 

Th'  applause  fer  a  mother  song  alius  comes 
from  th'  gallery. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  landlord  who 
used  t'  say,  "I  kin  feed  you,  but  I  can't  bed 
you?" 

If 

We  all  run  in  debt  fer  things  we  wouldn' 
think  o'  payin'  perfectly  good  money  fer. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Trouble 

By  Prof.  Alex  Tansey 

If  we  kin  believe  ever'buddy  we  talk  to  ther 
haint  nothin'  that's  as  equally  distributed  in 
this  life  as  trouble.  Trouble  finds  its  way  int' 
th'  tall  stately  mansion  among  th'  elms  an'  in 
th'  humble  cot.  Th'  smilin'  grafter,  th'  well 
groomed  man  o'  wealth,  th'  glossy  loafer  an* 
th'  tired  shoveler  all  have  ther  troubles. 

We  see  a  prosperous  lookin'  feller  whizzin' 
by  in  a  luxurious  tourin'  car  an'  we  think  how 
happy  he  must  be.  It  never  occurs  t'  us  that 
he  may  be  goin'  t'  th'  depot  t'  meet  a  lot  o* 
relatives,  er  has  jist  paid  two  dollars  t'  have  a 
valve  ground. 

People  who  act  th'  happiest 'may  have  th' 
most  troubles.  A  feller  may  be  all  life  an' 
sunshine  in  th'  presence  o'  his  associates  an' 
brood  when  alone  because  he  looks  like  h — ^1 
in  a  dress  suit.  A  gushin'  society  belle  may  be 
th'  queen  o'  her  set  an'  still  weep  bitter  tears 
because  she's  got  a  mole  in  th'  wrong  place. 
A  husband  may  eat  a  hearty  supper  an'  chat 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


pleasantly  with  members  o'  his  household  an' 
then  jump  in  th'  river  t'  keep  from  meetin'  a 
note.    A  wife  may  be  surrounded  by  ever'  lux- 


'OH.    8HOOTI' 


ury  t'day  an'  leave  a  note  in  th'  mornin'  sayin', 
"I've  gone  t'  Seattle." 

Trouble  is  jist  a  part  o'  th'  scheme  o'  life 
an'  no  home  seems  t'  be  complete  without  its 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

errin'  son  er  daughter,  its  mortgage,  its  pov- 
erty, or  calamity  o'  some  sort.  Trouble  softens 
us.  It  disturbs  that  feelin'  o'  selfish  security 
that's  all  too  likely  t'  develop  with  a  little  easy 
money.  Trouble  is  a  great  leveler  an'  a  won- 
derful conceit  diminisher  an'  it  seems  t'  make 
a  specialty  o'  hittin'  th'  high  places.  Fer 
how  often  we  see  folks  readin'  th'  help  wanted 
ads  t'day  that  were  frownin'  down  on  us  from 
th'  dizzy  peaks  o'  prosperity  yisterday. 

So  th'  fact  that  ever'buddy  has  ther  troubles 
should  make  us  all  th'  more  reconciled  t'  our 
own.  Let  us  study  th'  beautiful  optimisim  o' 
poor  Robert,  th'  laborer,  in  th'  ole  third  read- 
er story,  when  he  says:  "Well,  then  I  must 
sup  t'night  on  an  onion.  Last  night  I  had 
nothin'.  It  will  make  no  difference  with  me  t'- 
morrow  what  I  have  had  t'day."  So  sayin'  he 
trudged  on,  singin'  as  before. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


S 


Stands  fer  Steve,  of  melodrama  fame, 
"Stand  back,  dad,  don't  tech  her,  th'  gal 
haint  t'  blame!" 


What's  become  o'  th*  ole  twenty-five-cent 
dinner  with  eight  side  dishes,  includin'  a  piece 
o'  cross  barred  apple  pie  in  left  field? 


Next  t'  a  dinin'  car  mutton  chop  ther  hain't 
nothin'  as  rare  as  a  day  in  June. 


Th'  less  ther  is  back  o'  you  th'  better  front 
you  need. 


^ 


There'll  alius  be  somethin'  funny  about  a 
weddin*  write-up  no  matter  how  seriously  it's 
written. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 

Th'  demand  fer  heart  balm  is  alius  in  excess 
o'  th'  supply. 


Whenever  ther's  an  errin'  husband  th'  spin- 
sters alius  say :  "That's  a  man  fer  you.  Ther 
all  alike!" 


When  does  a  college  student  study? 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud's  nephew,  who  wuz  re- 
cently convicted  o'  manslaughter,  has  been  de- 
nied a  new  trial  as  he  only  had  one  farm. 


It  takes  some  folks  five  minutes  t'  put  a  flag 
up  an'  a  week  t'  take  it^down. 

•  $f  .' 

Ther's   lots    o'    difference    between    makin'       ) 
over  a  husband  an'  a  last  year's  hat.  ^^^ 


ABE       MARTIN'S 


Noises  I- 

By  Rev.  Wiley  Tanger 

Oh,  fer  th'  ole  restful  noiseless  days  when 
nothin'  disturbed  th*  peace  an'  quiet  o'  th'  com- 
munity but  th'  milkman's  bell,  or  an  occasional 
grind  organ!  Oh,  fer  th'  joy  o'  livin'  agin 
through  that  blissful  period  precedin'  th'  ad- 
vent o'  th'  raspin'  phonograph! 

When  it  comes  t'  din  th'  blatant  notes  o'  a 
minstrel  pe-rade  are  as  soft  an'  soothin'  as  a 
summer  zepyr  compared  t'  th'  turmoil  an'  clat- 
ter o'  th'  march  o'  progress,  with  its  player 
planners,  typewriters,  automobiles,  addin'  ma- 
chines, belchin'  motorcycles,  nickel  the-ater 
megaphones,  flat  wheeled  street  cars,  hospital 
ambulances  an'  rumblin'  interurbans.  With 
th'  possible  exception  o'  th'  rubber  heel  all  o' 
our  modern  inventions  an'  innovations  are  ac- 
companied by  some  nerve  rackin'  noise. 
Wherever  we  turn  we  run  int'  some  new 
kind  of  a  noise.  The  quiet  Sunday  at  home 
passed  out  with  th'  comin'  o'  th'  player  pl- 
anner.      Th'     wheezin'     graphophone     has 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


drowned  out  th  ole  enjoyable  conversations 
around  th'  cheerful  grate,  while  th'  impatient 
ring  o'  th'  telephone  bell  destroys  one  silent 


"YOU    MADE    ME    LOVE   YOU."    ETC. 

meditation  after  another.  If  we  seek  th'  lone- 
some seclusion  o'  th'  country  lane  we're  star- 
tled by  th'  auto  horn  or  snortin'  motorcycle. 
In  th'  cafe  th'  low  necked  cabaret  nightingale 

118J 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


sings  "You  Made  Me  Love  You"  as  she  wab- 
bles aimlessly  among  th'  tables  scatterin'  tal- 
cum dust  o'er  th'  steaks  an'  caviar  sandwiches. 
Ever'where  is  noise.  In  ever'  town  that's 
flourishin'  enough  t'  support  a  *Tearl"  laundry 
or  a  "Weekly  Banner"  we  find  th'  fussy  little 
gasoline  engine  puffin'  like  an  enraged  wart 
hog  brought  t'  bay.  Thro'  th'  turmoil  an' 
bustle  o'  traffic  we  cross  th'  downtown  street 
with  our  life  in  one  hand  an'  a  cane  or  a  mack- 
erel or  somethin'  in  th'  other.  In  th'  evenin' 
when  we  git  ready  t'  retire  some  neighbor  de- 
cides t'  try  out  a  new  grand  opery  record  on 
th'  Victroly,  or  th'  blushin'  debutante  next 
door  grows  tired  o'  holdin'  hands  an'  concludes 
t'  do  a  little  foot  work  on  th'  player  pianner. 
At  intervals  thro'  th'  night  we're  aroused  by 
th'  milkman  as  he  whistles  his  way  t'  th'  win- 
dow sill  t'  keep  up  his  courage,  or  by  th'  rough 
voice  o'  th'  street  sweeper  as  he  curses  his 
mules.  In  th'  mornin'  th'  wide  open  muffler 
o'  some  early  chauffeur  proclaims  th'  breakin' 
day.  Once  back  in  th'  city  streets  we  hear 
th'  constant  rumble  o'  heavy  trucks  an'  th'  ter- 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


rific  explosions  o'  countless  tires  an'  our 
thoughts  revert  t'  th'  siege  o'  Liege.  We  are 
surrounded  by  th'  artillery  o'  traffic. 

Nothin'  seems  t'  succeed  these  days  without 
a  noise.  Th'  prosperity  o'  our  towns  an'  cities 
is  measured  by  ther  noise.  Even  a  feller's 
prominence  is  reckoned  by  th'  noise  he  makes. 

If  a  feller  quietly  buys  a  nickel  se-gar  these 
days  th'  bang  o'  th'  cash  register  destroys  his 
whole  line  o'  thought. 


Who  remembers   th'   ole  days  when  ever' 
ventriloquist  wore  a  mustache  like  a  walrus? 


T'  hear  'em  holler  you'd  think  some  fellers 
had  been  hit  by  an  ax  instead  o'  th'  income 
tax* 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


T 


stands  fer  tango,  knocked  by  pulpit  an' 
press, 

Which  largely  accounts  fer  its  tremen- 
dous success. 


Makin'  a  long  stay  short  is  a  great  aid  t' 
.popalarity. 


No  Mexican  news  is  good  news. 


Lem  Granger's  trial  fer  hoss  stealin'  is  set 
fef  next  week,  an'  Attorney  Tell  Binkley  is 
rehearsin'  his  wife  an'  baby  on  how  t'  cry  in 
court. 


You  never  find  a  poor  man  in  th'  hands  o' 
his  friends. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


It's  too  bad  that  anything  as  cheap  as  polite- 
ness hain't  nutritious. 


Why  is  it  that  th'  feller  who  owns  a  tourin' 
car  (or  has  one)  alius  smiles  when  he  hears  o' 
someone  else  buyin'  one? 


A  real  friend  never  gives  your  name  t'  an 
agent. 


Some   folks   seem   t'   make    a   specialty   o' 
makin'  a  «hort  story  long. 


A  sober  second  thought  is  all  right,  but  it's 
th'  sober  first  thought  that  counts. 


ABE      M  A  R  T  I  N  '  S 


Th'  Attitude  o'  th'  Father  Toward  th'  Son 

By  Prof.  Alex  Tansey 

Does  your  boy  run  up  an  alley  when  he  sees 
you  comin'?  If  he  does,  why  does  he?  Why 
don't  he  run  down  t'  th'  corner  t'  meet  you? 
If  he  don't,  why  don't  he?  Does  he  boast  o' 
'my  paw'  t'  his  companions,  or  does  he  refer  t' 
you  as  *th'  ole  man'?  Does  your  boy  place 
his  order  fer  a  new  bicycle  tire,  or  a  haircut, 
or  a  pair  o'  shoes,  thro'  his  mother,  or  does  he 
come  direct  t'  you?  If  he  don't,  why  don't  he? 
Is  your  boy  afraid  o'  you?  If  he  is,  why  is  he? 
Is  it  because  you're  a  receiver  fer  a  cannin' 
factory  where  your  word  is  law,  or  because 
you're  a  director  in  two  or  three  business  con- 
cerns an'  feel  yer  importance?  Is  it  because 
you've  been  prominently  mentioned  fer  coun- 
ty treasurer? 

If  your  boy  is  afraid  o'  you  because  you  are 
great  it  is  only  a  question  o*  a  few  years  till 
he  gits  on  t'  you.  Then  he'll  laugh — er  run 
away.  He'll  find  out  that  after  all  you  are  only 
a  human  bein',  an  atom  with  nothin*  new  t' 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


offer.    A  plain  man  with  a  little  downtown  re- 
sponsibility. 

Do  you  come  home  in  th'  evenin'  with  a  knit 
brow  an'  sink  int'  th'  best  chair  an'  pull  out 
your  watch?    At  th'  evenin*  meal  do  you  ever 


"BEAT  IT,    HERE    COMES  TH'    MAIN    SQUEEZE! 


shove  th'  butter  over  where  your  boy  kin 
reach  it,  or  show  him  other  little  attentions  t' 
make  him  feel  that  he's  your  son  an'  that 
you're  goin'  t'  see  him  thro'  till  he  gits  a 
start?     Or   do    you    scowl    when   he   timidly 


ABE      MA.RTIN'S 


looks  at  his  mother  an'  lifts  an  egg  t'  his 
plate? 

Confide  in  your  boy.  Take  walks  with  him. 
Fight  off  ole  age  by  makin'  a  chum  o'  him. 
Make  him  respect  you  an'  discipline  '11  take 
care  o'  itself. 

Not  long  ago  I  w^z  strollin'  along  th'  street 
in  th'  residence  district  o'  a  city  when  I  came 
upon  two  youngsters  who  were  discussin'  cro- 
quet. Suddenly  th'  older  o'  th'  two  said,  "Hur- 
ry! Beat  it!  Here  comes  th'  Main  Squeeze!" 
an'  they  both  rushed  panic  stricken  across  a 
lawn  an'  were  soon  lost  in  th'  shrubbery. 
Turnin'  about  I  saw  a  pompous  gentleman  ap- 
proachin'.  His  chin  wuz  well  up  an'  he 
seemed  t'  be  entirely  unconscious  o'  th'  fact 
that  any  other  livin'  thing  existed  besides  him- 
self. That  he  wuz  a  gentleman  o'  rare  ability 
ther  could  be  no  doubt,  but  in  what  callin'  or 
profession  he  excelled  I  wuz  unable  t'  figure 
out.  I  walked  leisurely  t'  th'  corner  an'  halted. 
I  wished  t'  study  him  at  close  range.  My  hopes 
were  shattered  when  he  turned  t'  enter  th'  resi- 
dence across  th'  lawn  of  which  th'  boys  had 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


disappeared.  I  watched  him.  He  never  lim- 
bered or  seemed  t'  fergit  th'  fact  that  he  vmz 
great.  His  bearin'  never  changed.  He  en- 
tered th'  house,  an*  thro*  a  window  I  caught  a 
last  glance  o*  him.  His  chin  wuz  still  up.  I 
wuz  much  interested.  I  asked  a  gentleman 
who  chanced  t'  pass  who  lived  in  th'  house. 
He  replied  "Th'  cashier  o'  some  public  service 
monopoly.    I've  never  heard  his  name." 


Th'  feller  who  tells  how  his  wife  fixes  tur- 
nips is  hard  up  fer  news. 


Th'  average  voter  would  jump  at  th'  chance 
t'  exchange  his  right  o'  franchise  fer  th'  cour- 
tesy an'  consideration  that  is  ^hown  a  woman. 


U9 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


U 


Stands  fer  Uncle  Tom,  with  his  blood- 
hounds an'  ice, 

Who's  still  playin't'  capacity  tho'  we've 
all  seen  him  twice. 


A  five-cent  picture  show  don't  only  leave 
somethin'  fer  th'  imagination,  but  also  some- 
thin'  fer  th'  groceryman. 


Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  gave  a  Washin'ton's' 
Birthday  party  last  night  an'  buried  th' 
hatchet. 


Some  folks  are  too  polite  t'  be  up  t'  any 
good. 


Don't  knock  th'  weather.  Nine-tenths  o* 
th'  people  couldn'  start  a  conversation  if  it 
didn'  change  once  in  a  while. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Th'  ole  time  father  who  used  t'  go  home  at 
noon  an'  eat  a  hearty  dinner  now  has  a  mar- 
ried son  who  refuses  t'  take  any  chances. 


Uncle  Hiram  Blake,  aged  ninety-three,  froze 
t'  death  while  choppin'  wood  east  o'  town  yis- 
terday.  He  will  not  be  buried  till  his  four 
sons  kin  be  located.  -^" 


Some  folks  read  everything  but  th'  signs  o' 
th'  times. 


Haint  it  about  time  fer  th'  farmer  t'  pass  th'  i 

prosperity?  -^ 


Th'  more  a  feller  amounts  to  th'  worse  he 
looks  in  a  plug  hat. 


Too  many  folks  hang  up  ther  religion  with 
ther  Sunday  clothes. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Th'  Cost  o'  Sparkin', 

By  Miss  Tawney  Apple       ^"'^ 

After  a  feller  gits  thro'  sparkin'  these  days 
he's  insolvent.  Lots  o*  good  sensible  fellers 
would  like  t'  git  married  but  they  can't  afford 
t'  take  th'  time  an'  money.  If  a  feller  could  git 
married  after  a  week's  sparkin'  he  might  be 
able  t'  catch  even  again.  But  th'  modern  girl 
seems  t'  demand  a  long  extravagant  courtship 
before  she's  willin'  t'  give  in  an'  drop  out  o' 
th'  game.  Then  th'  young  husband  finds  him- 
self bankrupt  with  a  yeller  cane,  a  plug  hat, 
a  dress  suit  an'  a  doll  on  his  hands.  With  each 
spurt  o'  economy  her  love  grows  colder.  He 
gits  tired  o'  lookin  shiny  an'  her  muff  goes  out 
o'  date.  A  separation  soon  follers — th'  wife 
returns  t'  her  ole  home  on  Chestnut  street  an' 
th'  husband  joins  his  regiment  on  th'  rialto. 

Back  in  th'  ole  days  o'  th'  fuschia  nosegay, 
ice  cream  parlors,  cinnamon  drops  an'  auto- 
graph albums  a  feller  had  a  chance  t'  win  a 
heart  without  th'  use  o'  dancin'  pumps  an'  ne- 
glectin'  his  business.    Love  makin'  wuz  almost 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


self-sustalnin'  in  1880.  Girls  looked  ahead  o' 
ther  noses,  an'  th'  feller  who  gave  promise  o' 
bein'  able  t'  support  a  wife  eventually  wuz 


FUWIN*  TH*    QAMC. 


grabbed  off  in  a  hurry.  Girls  didn'  make  love 
o'er  th*  chop  suey  bowl  or  in  a  dark  5-cent  the- 
ater. An'  they  didn'  expect  t'  git  on  th'  out- 
side of  a  few  cocktails  an'  a  filet  mignon  after 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


ever  'performance  o'  "The  Two  Orphans"  or 
"East  Lynne/'  Th'  parlor  or  th'  narrow  liv- 
ery rig  wuz  th'  clearin'  house  fer  affairs  o'  th' 
heart. 

What's  th'  sense  o'  exhaustin'  all  th'  pleas- 
ures o'  life  durin'  th'  first  few  months  o'  court- 
ship? Why  not  save  a  few  pleasures  t'  look 
forward  t'  after  you've  satisfied  th'  instalment 
houses?  Marriage  at  best  is  quite  a  come- 
down fer  most  any  girl,  'specially  if  her  en- 
gagement period  wuz  one  long  an'  riotous 
dream.  An'  when  th'  tale  tellin'  furrows  o' 
care  an'  disappointment  begin  t'  appear  in  her 
face,  an'  she  appeals  t'  a  young  husband  fer  a 
new  pair  o'  shoes  it  haint  goin'  t'  git  him 
nothin'  t'  say,  "Wuzn'  I  alius  good  t'  you  in 
th'  ole  days,  Nell?" 

It's  fer  better  t'  have  loved  an'  lost  than  it 
is  t'  stall  along  on  nothin'. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Winter  elbows  may  be  cleaned  by  a  lively 
application  o'  cornme^  an'  a  stiff  brush. 


Garland  Curl,  who  is  out  on  parole,  is  at 
home  t'day  workin'  on  his  report. 


Some  women  seem  t'  be  able  t'  entertain 
ever'buddy  but  ther  husbands. 


You  don't  have  t*  peddle  a  good  thing. 


While  feelin'  his  way  carefully  along  a 
roastin'  ear  this  mornin',  at  th'  Little  Gem 
Resturint,  a  stranger  with  a  droopin'  mustache 
became  confused  an'  fell  off  his  stool. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


V 


Stands  fer  vilHan.  Oh,  who  can't  recall 
Th'  one  in  East  Lynne  who  says,  "My 
curses  on  all". 


Th*  auto  kin  never  take  th'  place  o*  th' 
white-legged  hoss  an'  narrow  buggy  fer  th* 
country  boy  an*  his  girl,  who  hain't  goin'  no 
place  in  particular. 


Ike  Soles  an*  wife  are  back  from  Kansas  an* 
look  almost  poor  enough  t*  have  ten  children. 

Speakin*  o*  harness  records  Tilf ord  Moots 
an'  wife  *11  celebrate  ther  golden  weddin' 
t'morrow. 


It's  gettin'  so  if  we  live  thro'  Sunday  we're 
purty  safe  fer  th'  rest  o'  th'  week. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


A  young  lady  o'  Vevay  writes  t'  know  if  its 
proper  t'  double  back  after  reachin'  th'  end  of 
a  roastin*  ear. 


O'  course  things  are  not  quite  th'  same  when 
father  is  loafin',  but  it's  when  mother  lays  off 
that  th'  home  goes  t'  th*  dogs. 


It  seems  t'  make  a  auto  driver  mad  if  he 
misses  you. 


Wherever  ther's  a  nagger  ther's  generally 
ajagger. 


Who  remembers  th'  feller  who  used  t'  say    ^ 
he  never  worried  about  th'  wheat  crop  'cause 
he  had  t'  buy  his  flour  anyhow? 

1201 


ABE       MARTINIS 


(  Th'  Element  o'  Boldness  an'  Its  Relation 
t'  Success 

^^  By  Dr.  Moppa 

/We're  livin'  in  an  age  o'  sharp  competition, 
/when  no  element  is  so  indispensable  as  bold- 
I      ness  in  th'  attainment  of  all  that  is  desirable 
\    in  life.     A  finished  education,  purty  hair,  an* 
"^Tanimpeachable  character,  finely  chiseled  fea- 
tures, th'  form  of  an  Apollo,  a  fine  tenor  voice, 
fashionable  raiment  an'  good  folks  avail  but 
little  in  th'  battle  o'  life  when  unaccompanied 
by  th'  element  o'  boldness — or  nerve. 
,-    Boldness  is  a  positive  characteristic  o'  th' 
':    spirit.    A  feller  may  be  bold  thro'  fearlessness, 
=    but  he  may  be  fearless  without  bein'  bold.    He 
may  be  fearless  where  there  is  no  apprehension 
\  o'  danger  or^o  cause  fer  apprehension,  but  he 
is  bold  only  when  he  is  conscious  or  appre- 
hensive o'  danger  an'  has  th'  nerve  t'  encoun- 
ter it. 

Th'  venerable  example  o'  penniless  ole  age 
who  loves  t'  chaw  t'backer  an'  refer  t'  th' 
time  when  he  could  have  bought  th'  ground 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


where  th'  pustoffice  stands  fer  two  dollars,  an' 
th'  spinster  who  could  have  married  th'  best 
man  in  town,  both  illustrate  r*us  how  a  whole 


A   VENERABLE   EXAMPLE   O'    PENNILESS   OLE   AGE. 


life  may  be  changed  an  soured  thro'  th'  lack  o' 
a  little  nerve. 

Th'  best  maxims  o'  t'day  were  written  al- 
most a  century  ago,  an'  if  they  fitted  condi- 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


tions  as  they  existed  then  how  much  truer  are 
they  t'day  when  th'  minds  an'  energies  o'  th' 
most  resourceful  amongst  us  are  often  ex- 
,  hausted  in  an  effort  t'  even  rise  above  medi- 
r  ^ocrity.  If  "Strike  when  th'  iron  is  hot"  meant 
anything  in  1836  how  much  more  must  it  mean 
t'day?  If  he  who  hesitated  fifty  years  ago  wuz 
lost  what  chance  is  ther  t'day  fer  th'  feller 
who  says,  "I'll  think  about  it?"  "Nothin'  ven- 
tured nothin'  won"  wuz  a  pop'lar  sayin'  long 
before  th'  death  o'  Cornwallis,  an'  yit  t'day 
ther's  folks  tryin'  t'  succeed  without  adver- 
tisin'. 

So  in  our  modern  system  o'  reachin'  th'  front 
boldness  is  th*  all  important,  over  shadowin' 
pre-eminent  an'  dominant  requisite.  If  we're 
t'  git  a  seat  on  th'  end  o'  th'  aisle  in  th'  third 
row  we'll  have  t'  beat  somebuddy  t'  it. 

As  Tell  Binkley  says,  "Faint  heart  never 
won  fair  lady  or  sold  any  life  insurance." 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


All  day  t'day  a  steady  stream  o'  friends 
called  t'  congratulate  Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  on  her 
foresight  in  buyin'  a  Brussels  carpet  when  she 
did. 


Fears  is  about  all  some  people  ever  enter- 
tain. 


4  ^ 

Speakin'  o'  th'  war,  one  o'  th'  latest  styles  o*  ] 
four  flushin'  is  pretendin'  t'  be  uneasy  about  / 
relatives. 


One  o'  th'  commonest  ailments  o'  th'  pres- 
ent day  is  premature  formation  o'  opinion. 


Who  remembers  when  we  used  t'  call  a  kiss 
a  buss? 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


W 


Stands  fer  woo,  t'  court  or  t*  spark, 
T'  fill  some  girl  with  taffy  in  auto  or 
park. 


A  good  fer  nothin'  husband  is  bad  enough, 
but  an  idle  wife  is  th*  limit. 

An  ole  night  shirt  makes  a  dandy  dust  rag 
fer  a  auto. 


Carryin'  a  tune,  writin'  a  beautiful  hand  an* 
rollin'  a  perfect  cigarette  are  among  th'  little 
accomplishments  o'  life  that  seem  t*  have  a 
peculiar  fascination  fer  th*  feller  who's  "not 
doin'  anything  now.** 


Back  t*  th*  bath  tub:    White  Rose  perfume 
is  made  in  France. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


You  never  really  know  some  folks  till  they 
go  on  a  trip  an'  write  a  letter  back  t'  ther 
home  paper. 


A  mountain   goat  hain't   got  nothin'   on   a 
movie  actor  when  it  comes  t'  climbin'  around. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  broke   a  gold  tooth 
t'day  while  shiftin'  gears  on  a  roastin*  ear. 


Some  fellers  git  credit  fer  bein'  home  lovin'         ^ 
when  they're  really  doin'  th'  housework.  J 


Th'  worst  drawback  t'  hot  weather  is  th"^ 
odor  that  hovers  about  some  folks  like  they 
wuz  runnin'  with  th'  emergency  breaks  on. 


ABE       MARTINIS 


Th'  Industry  o'  Knockin' 

By  Tell  Binkley 

Ther's  one  great  an'  growin'  industry  in 
this  country  employin'  hundreds  o'  thousands 
o'  people  in  ever'  city,  nook  an'  hamlet  that's 
not  losin'  any  sleep  on  account  o'  President 
Wilson's  program,  an'  that's  th'  business  o' 
KNOCKIN'. 

Ther's  alius  been  a  little  knockin'  goin'  on 
here  an'  there  since  th'  beginnin'  o'  time,  but  it 
has  operated  under  th'  sobriquet  o'  backbitin' 
an'  wuz  widely  scattered.  But  somehow  it  got 
in  with  the'  vanguard  o'  our  country's  progress 
an'  t'day  it  is  regarded  as  a  matter  o'  course, 
jest  th'  same  as  th'  typesettin'  machine  an'  th' 
straight  front  corset.  It  is  one  o'  our  estab- 
lished customs.  It  seems  t'  be  impossible  t' 
make  th'  most  commonplace  remark  without 
leadin'  up  t'  a  knock.  Th'  one  thing  above  all 
others,  t'  my  mind,  that  has  furnished  more 
real  practice  fer  th'  anvil  chorus  is  th'  auto- 
mobile. What  a  relief  it  must  be  fer  a  poor 
auto  owner  t'  git  away  from  his  neghbors  an' 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


spin  along  th'  quiet  country  lanes  an'  be  able 
t'  look  int'  th'  faces  o'  smilin'  cows  an'  friendly      / 
woodpeckers. 

If  knockers  don't  know  anything  mean  about 


'!  <r'^'>-:^<P^v.i^  '^^- 


FLECIN'    FROM  TH'    ANVIL   CHORU8. 

somebuddy  they'll  change  th'  subject.  Ambi- 
tious wives  with  poor  husbands  make  th'  worst 
knockers,  unless  it's  a  bookkeeper  with  twelve 
children.    Even  at  a  weddin'  knockers  are  am- 

[21] 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


bushed  behind  banks  o'  sweet  smellin'  blooms, 
er  tall  stately  palms,  waitin'  fer  a  burst  o* 
laughter  er  th'  low  mumblin'  tones  o'  th'  organ 
that  they  may  put  over  a  well  aimed  knock 
without  bein'  heard.  At  th'  banquet  table, 
where  good  cheer  an'  friendship  are  supposed 
t'  abide,  th'  knocker  sits  with  glass  turned 
down  an'  fumbles  his  roquefort  cheese  while 
he  waits  fer  a  chance  t'  slip  one  over.  When  a 
new  baby  comes  t'  brighten  th'  home  an'  fond 
neighbors  flock  t'  shower  congratulations  er 
run  t'  th'  drug  store,  th'  knocker  is  th'  first  one 
t'  jolly  th'  mother  an'  chuck  th'  tiny  pink 
stranger  under  th'  chin — an'  th'  first  one  t'  go 
away  an'  make  fun  o'  its  nose.  Even  in  th' 
stricken  home  th'  knocker  appears  an'  snoops 
around  with  a  solemn  face  an'  stands  with 
bared  head  under  a  pear  tree  in  th'  door  yard 
an'  remarks  t'  his  nearest  neighbor,  "She  won't 
be  a  widder  long." 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


No  matter  how  well  a  boardin'  house  is 
conducted,  it  seems  like  it's  jest  impossible  t' 
keep  th'  feller  who  likes  t'  set  around  in  his 
undershirt  off  th'  verandy. 


What's  become  o'  th'  feller  who  used  t'  refer 
t*  an  ole  sweetheart  as  an  ole  flame? 


It's  jest  as  wrong  fer  some  folks  t'  take  a 
vacation  as  it  would  be  fer  'em  t'  take  a  pocket- 
book. 


Wherever  ther's  a  courthouse  th'  jail  is  hard 
by. 


Of  all  th'  home  remedies  a  good  wife  is  th* 
best 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Stands  fer  Xenia,  O.,  a  hamlet  o*  note, 
Th'  birthplace  o'  Wilbur  Nesbit,  toast- 
master  an'  poet. 


"Th'  poor  we  have  alius  with  us,"  t'gether 
with  th'  feller  who  says,  "You  won't  ketch  me 
in  this  climate  another  winter." 


It's  easier  t'  git  t'gether  at  a  banquet  than 
it  is  at  th'  polls. 


Another  style  o'  four  flushin'  is  applaudin' 
an  imitation  of  an  actor  you  never  saw. 


A  crank  alius  starts  somethin'. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Let's  all  join  th'  good  roads  movement  an' 
mend  our  own  ways. 


A  feller  don't  only  come  back  from  a  vaca- 
tion tired,  but  he  proceeds  t'  make  ever'buddy 
else  tired. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  tried  t'  filmize  "Ten 
Nights  in  a  Barroom,"  but  gave  it  up.  Too 
man|r  reels. 


Some  folks  crave  cherry  pie,  some  have  a 
hankerin'  fer  ice  cream,  some  sigh  fer  water- 
melon, while  others  would  give  th'  world  fer 
somethin'  sour,  but  ther's  times  in  all  of  our 
lives  when  ther  hain't  nothin'  that  hits  th'  spot 
like  ham  an'  eggs. 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Ever  notice  how  an  office  seeker's  eyesight 
fails  after  he  gits  what  he  wants? 


,Lots  of  us  make  ourselves  more  miserable 
in  extreme  weather  by  wprryin'  about  th'  folks 
who  could  escape  it  if  they  wuzn'  so  stingy. 


Th'  longer  it  takes  you  t'  select  a  cantaloupe 
th'  worse  it  is. 


Th'  honeymoon  ends  when  th'  husband  puts 
his  wife  on  an  allowance. 


Since  it  takes  all  kinds  o'  people  t'  make 
a  world  what's  th'  use  o'  knockin'? 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Th'  Little  Town 

By  Rev.  Wiley  Tanger 

Stew  Nugent  is  at  home  t'  put  his  feet  under 
his  mother's  table.  He  has  been  t'  th'  city  fer 
three  years  an'  says  that  th'  trouble  with  a 
little  town  is  that  ever'buddy  knows  ever'bud- 
dy  else's  business.  That's  th'  reason  Stew 
went  away,  an'  it's  one  o'  th'  best  things  about 
a  little  town.  You  know  who  your  next  door 
neighbor  is,  an'  you  know  who  lives  over  th' 
hardware  store.  An'  you  know  who's  able  t' 
own  a  tourin'  car. 

In  a  city  where  you  don't  need  no  other 
credentials  but  a  good  front  it's  different. 
Some  folks  flourish  in  a  city  that  couldn'  git 
trust  fer  a  box  o'  corn  flakes  in  ther  home 
town.  Some  fellers  apologize  fer  livin'  in  a 
little  town.  When  you  ask  'em  where  ther 
from  they  color  up  an'  stammer  an'  say,  "I — 
er — ^why — I— I'm  from  Rossville — ^that  is  my 
folks  live  ther.  I've  been  livin'  ther  too,  but 
I'm  thinkin'  o'  goin'  t'  Chicago.  Ther's  no  op- 
portunities in  a  little  town  fer  a  young  man." 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


An'  when  you  size  him  up  you  can't  help  pic- 
turin'  what  a  flurry  he'll  cause  in  Chicago.  O' 
course  some  folks  that  go  t'  th'  city  succeed, 
but  they've  got  th'  ole  home  metal  in  'em. 


"I    WONDER    WHAT  THER    DOIN'    AT  HOME?" 

In  th'  great  city  parks  th'  benches  are  filled 
with  poor  unfortunates  from  th*  little  towns 
who  have  tried  an'  failed.    Pride  alone  keeps 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


'em  from  returnin'  an'  they  become  aimless 
wanderers  an'  are  lost  an'  fergotten  in  th'  mist 
o'  time. 

Some  folks  jist  seem  t'  be  cut  out  fer  th' 
artificiality  o'  th'  city,  an'  that's  where  they 
ought  t'  live.  But  if  you  want  t'  live  an  honest, 
quiet,  peaceful  life  an'  enjoy  th'  love  an'  con- 
fidence o'  your  friends  an'  neighbors,  ther's  no 
place  like  th'  little  town  where  one-half  th' 
people  knows  how  th'  other  half  lives,  where 
respectability  is  a  real  asset,  where  a  K.  of  P. 
watch  charm  won't  save  you  if  you  can't  toe 
th'  mark,  an'  where  you're  remembered  long 
after  th'  hearse  gits  back  t'  th'  livery  stable. 


(22) 


f 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Y 


Stands  fer  yeller,  in  hues  without  number, 
Pop'lar  with  journalism  an*  th'  seedlin* 
cucumber. 


Why  don't  th*  feller  who  says,  "I*m  no 
speechmaker,*'  let  it  go  at  that  instead  o'  givin* 
a  demonstration? 


/      Even  merit  has  t*  be  advertised  before  it 


[jp^s. 


Somehow  things  never  seem  th*  same  agin 
after  your  wife  comes  home  with  a  cute  little 
serviceable  ever'  day  hat  without  much  on  it 
fer  $24. 


Next  t*  an  Osage  orange  ther  hain*t  nothin' 
as  bitter  as  a  disappointed  Democrat. 


ABE      MARTIN'S 


Ther's  two  critical  periods  in  ever'  feller's 
life — when  he  wants  t'  belong  t'  a  band  an' 
when  he  feels  entitled  t'  an  office. 


When  we  read  about  th'  spring  styles  we 
almost  dread  t'  see  th'  first  robin. 


Show  me  a  smile  that  won't  come  off  an' 
I'll  show  you  a  cheerful  idiot. 


Th'  feller  who  quits  work  in  th'  evenin'  like 
he  wuz  leavin'  a  penitentiary  never  reaches 
Easy  Street. 


It  must  make  some  folks  mad  t'  feel  at  home. 


(23) 


BROWN  COUNTY  PRIMER 


Z 


Stands  fer  Zanzibar,  in  th'  tropical  zone 
Where  th'  belles  dress  as  scantily  as  our 
girls  here  at  home. 


Why  does  a  Republican  lawyer  alius  have  a 
Dimmycratic  partner? 


fe.  ^ 


•^  c. 


TH>  CNO. 


Other  Abe  Martin  Books 


MIXIN'    LITERATURE   WITH    BUSINESS. 

Abe  Martin's  Almanack,  1910 
Abe  Martin's  Almanack,  1912 
Abe  Martin's  Short  Furrows,  1913 
Abe  Martin's  Back  Country  Folks,  1914 

$1.00  FOB  INDIANAPOLIS.    EACH  POST- 
PAID $1.06 

Address,  Abe  Martin  Publishing  Company 
Indianapolis 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


2A^...'!-r  ^.^ 

nil          O    r.      1fiu7 

JUL  c  Q   iJO/ 

"iEofllToT^'^'                                Univ^rf;i/;&nia 

I  U         I   v^WWV-/ 


n;i231179 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CAUFORNIA  UBRARY 


